Inspired by T.G.I.Fridays, I opened a place called C.L.I.Thursdays. It closed down though because most guys couldnt find it
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I’m hearing terrible scratching noises coming from inside my walls and it better be demons because I can’t afford it to be squirrels right now
Million dollar idea: Selling shower heads at the exit of a Ryan Gosling movie
I’m like 4% cute and 98% bad at math.
I scream, you scream, we all scream, while I’m crawling under the bathroom stall to say hi to you.
My cat’s name is Isis, so you can imagine my horror when I turned on the news and saw “Isis believed to be allied with Al-Qaeda”
Fact: The best tuna fish salad recipe is the combination of ingredients that best covers up the taste of the tuna.
*wins lottery*
Me: fill it to the top, Jeeves
Jeeves: But ma’am, your pool—
Me: I SAID MORE MAC AND CHEESE!!!
They say you are what you eat but what happens if you didn’t mean to eat it. I don’t want to be a bug.
Whenever I meet a new baby, I stand still and let it come up to me and smell my hand first before I try to pet it
i hate workimg at the lightbulb factory!! evrey day i hav to thimk of good ideas so they can harvest the lightbulbs that apear abov my head
Romeo: Juliet is the sun.
Neil deGrasse Tyson: *loudly from the balcony* NO SHE ISN’T
The body is 70% water..
So cool, you’re not fat you’re just flooded..
5: let’s play the quiet game.
Me: Okay
5: ready..? Start.
Me:
5:
Me:
5: whoever talks first is the loser.
[afterlife]
ME: is this heaven or hell
SPIRIT: idk why don’t you bing it
ME: oh noooooo
Cute waiter: Hi, what can I get for you?
Me: *accidentally barks*
Coroner’s Report: “Victim noted a subtle mannerism shared by his wife and mother-in-law.”
I establish dominance by setting my 8 layer dip next to your 7 layer dip at your party.
“moon all gone! moon all gone!” is my toddler’s terrifying new way of saying good morning
Why isn’t everyone terrified that Mars is the only planet completely populated by robots?
I guess if macaroni had to be named after a body part, elbow was better than some other options.
The best thing about money is that if you give it to the right person they’ll hand you donuts.
I just ate $35 worth of Taco Bell before entering this escape room. We’re getting out one way or another.
*getting murdered*
WAIT!!!!!!!
*buys new underwear and put them on.*
*flosses*
*sets phone on fire*Okay, proceed.
Either I just saw a bat in the garden or the mice are using hand-gliders to avoid our cat.
How much mint do I have to muddle into this mojito for it to count as a serving of vegetables?
What do you call a man who does all the cooking, cleaning and washing without complaint?
Single.
Walk up in the club like “THIS IS MY JAM” handing out small jars of my homemade raspberry preserves
The coolest thing about the last Hobbit movie was knowing it was the last Hobbit movie.
Running into someone you know on the beach is awkward. It’s like, “hey remember when we used to work together ten years ago?” Now we’re talking to each other with our shirts off.
OKAY IF YOU CANNOT HAVE CAKE AND EAT IT TOO WHAT EXACTLY IS THE PURPOSE OF CAKE