Science update: dog earwax still tastes bad
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“Any drugs or alcohol, sir?”
“No thanks. Getting those things from a cop seems awfully setup-ish.”
Interviewer: “Is this glass half empty or half full?”
Guy: “It’s completely full.”
Interviewer: “You’re hired. Welcome to Lay’s.”
6yo: mom, how do you spell ‘do not touch’
4yo: mom, how do you spell ‘yes touch’
[hanging out in my basement]
Wife: You know, this room could really use more natural light.
Me: Help yourself. There’s plenty in the fridge.
I wish the entire planet could come together as one and agree to refer to Kanye as Kanye Kardashian so we can bask in his shattered ego.
Desperately searching the dating app settings for an option to turn down the difficulty level.
Death be not proud. Death not so great with words, but happy to go out with any girl you want fix Death up with.
My friend told his gf he’s giving up valentines day for lent… I know what’s coming so I told him that i’m giving up letting friends sleep on my couch
[At Mall]
Good cop: CLEAR A PATH PEOPLE!
Bad cop: OFFICIAL POLICE BUSINESS
Black Friday cop: *Segways past everyone & gets the last HDTV*
I went to the feed store for dog food and came back with 5 baby chickens.
I shouldn’t be allowed to have grownup money
Up to 300 serial killers are active every day but the good news is that some of us have been incapacitated by the internet.
ME: I shot a man in Reno just to watch him die
MY LAWYER: would you please stop saying that
A gender-neutral equivalent of ‘sugar daddy’ is GLUCOSE GUARDIAN.
Welcome to middle age. “I carried a watermelon” has gone from movie quote to something you tell your orthopedist.
Me: The 10yo asked for a sip of my beer!
Wife: I hope you told him why he can’t have any
Me: Yes! Because it’s mine
Wife: Because of the alc
Me: Because of the alcohol
The current world population is 7.67 billion people. In 1971, when “Imagine” was written, it was 3.78 billion.
So if you’re listening today you should really only be expected to imagine 49.28% of the people.
“Well this is silly”
– me describing a window sill
Pamela Anderson attends a function make up free and is hailed bold and brave. I do it and get holy water and a crucifix thrown at me!!
ME: “Aloe Vera”
VERA: “Aloe”
I finally got eight hours sleep. Took me four days but whatever.
The divorce rate is almost at 60%. How does Cupid keep his job with that level of failure?
The mice in my apartment left me a note that said as long as I keep buying store brand graham crackers, there’s no need for traps.
if you aren’t someone the church would’ve killed 400 years ago are you even living?
I don’t think humans are capable of sounding more disgusting than when they are being rude to their mothers or singing along to Mariah Carey
Am not being sponsored to say this but if you’re tired of straining your pasta by pouring it on to your cupped hands and waiting until the boiling water seeps through, try “colanders”. I’ve just switched to colanders and they’ve made cooking pasta a much less painful experience👍
If society ever starts using cat puke as currency, I’m set.
Dear neighbor who mows his yard early in the morning tomorrow,
I found my bagpipes for tonight.
I’m going to run errands, need anything?
“Yes, some new light bulbs”
Why, our current bulbs are too heavy?
“And a good divorce lawyer”
Auto carrots has been really aggressive with the editing lately
Thy pee runneth clear,
Hydration is near.
Thy pee runneth yellow,
Drink up, my good fellow