Entered what I ate today into my new fitness app and it just sent an ambulance to my house.
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Don’t you hate it when you claw your way out of your grave just to realize you left your keys in the coffin?
I’m just a girl.
Standing in front of a girl.
Wondering how she got her eyeliner on so perfectly.
An unhealthy attraction to traffic cones develops as a result of too many microplastics in your diet and you start driving around looking for road construction just to feel the rush. Hey baby, you block lanes here often?
ME: When you think about it, shoulders are just hangers for our skin suits
WIFE: Ok get off me. I’m not in the mood anymore.
If asked at a job interview “what’s your biggest weakness”, test their tolerance for honesty by replying “mortality”
Me: *10 minutes into a workday after a long weekend*
My smartwatch: I’ve called all the ambulances
Always remember…. A mirror never lies.
(Fatty)
pronouncing “vegan” like “began.”
Asteroid: Hmm…who should I hit on?
Earth: [puts on sexy dress and a come hither smile]
I ran into a wall today. Literally, not in my writing. The writing is going well for once, so I guess that’s how it balances out. 🧱
Me: Mirror, mirror, on the wall, who’s the …
Mirror: Comb your hair.
You’d think I’d lose weight just from carrying around this extra 40 pounds wherever I go.
I know I’m not great at math, but I just can’t figure out how to 28 packs of fruit snacks are gone in 2.5 days when the kids say they “barely ate any.”
if twitter really is dying, my confession is that i never noticed the comma in that one pride and prejudice quote, so up until recently i always read it as “you have bewitched me body and me soul” in a leprachaun voice and i never understood how people found that romantic
I’m naming all my children after Instagram filters. Hudson, Walden, Valencia, Kelvin, Brannan, Willow, and the twins, Toaster and 1977.
People who look pretty & put together at the airport, how dare you?
*seductively annoys the shit out of you*
[driving date home]
me: where do I drop you off?
her: here is fine
me: you live on the beach?
her: *walks into sea*
Just before bed my 1yo ever so gently kissed her baby doll, softly placed it in the oven of her play kitchen, and closed the door. I’d say big sister practice is going pretty well.
[stabucks]
barista: can i get a name?me: sure. you look like a Tiffany
barista: no i mean a name for the order
me: oh! we’ll call this “coffee from Tiffany”
You should always read labels. I was about to eat this rat poison but then saw it has gluten in it. I could have died,
I have the bruises of a much more active person.
I wonder if clouds ever look down on us and say.. “Hey look! That one is shaped like an idiot!
Pinocchio would have been a way crazier story if he were a swordfish
Me: *braids girl’s hair*
Girl: *turns around, terrified*
Me: The movie was boring me…
*leans back in seat*
*eats popcorn*
I love giving a little kid the tongue, and then watching him run to his mother holding the severed tongue I just gave him.
Boss: Since it’s a long weekend, you can leave early today.
Me: [left 3 hours ago]
We shouldn’t point out other people’s grammar mistakes because one day it will be you’re turn. Yore turn. You are turn. Goddamn it.
I interviewed 300 high achievers about their morning routine, and you will never believe, they all have inherited family wealth.