I overheard office gossip about someone being an alcoholic but I’m too drunk to crawl off the floor too find out who.
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Wiccan pigs: Basically we’ll need 100 grand to start our deli.
Loan Officer: Proposed name?
WP: Hamwitches
[long pause]
LO: Hell yes.
The fact that dudes go on a diet but they call it “biohacking” is so funny to me.
Like if men started knitting they would call it “hyper threading” or “powertangling” or some shit
I wish my face had a screensaver that would come on to let people know that they’ve been talking to me for too long.
Today’s episode of Wheel of Fortune has been cancelled because Jesus took the wheel.
I pan fried chicken tonight.
On another completely unrelated note: the firemen in my town are gorgeoussssss.
What if instead of startling someone you could stople them. Just like, do something that makes them instantly really relaxed
[seconds after I am done vacuuming the entire house]
My Dog: I LOVE YOU AND I HAVE BROUGHT YOU THE ENTIRE LAWN AND SO MANY LEAVES!
Someone asked me why I was wearing a fake AirPod… bro that’s my hearing aid
I just want to be wealthy enough to not have my windshield wipers sound like a congregation of dying frogs.
Mission Impossible…😂😎🐒
i just saw a black girl rt one of those teenage girl accounts saying “i honestly wish I was a teen in the 50’s”………. no u don’t
I dont get laid nearly enough for someone who can name five different types of pokemon.
The pond is silent. No one has come to feed us bread in a week. Slowly we gather our nerve and begin to wander from the pond. The world is quiet. Empty. We waddle through the streets, unhindered, unchallenged.
Duck World – coming to Netflix this summer
Married girls are so lucky. They can post anything they want on here because they already tricked some dumb guy into marrying them.
When the cops are at your door have on a cape, carry a wand, and tell them you’re a magician when they ask how your boyfriend disappeared.
My wife asked me if I was going to take a shower before we go to some friend’s house for the evening like she didn’t see me get in the pool.
Prince: I’m deleting dating apps so I can find love the old fashioned way (by kissing dead girls in the woods while 7 short people watch)
him: what are you thinking about rn
me: how best to defend myself from an ostrich attack
I don’t know who the pun editor of the NY Post is, but the headline PEACHES’ DEATH IS STILL FUZZY deserves a citation and/or beating.
C’mon now, y’all couldn’t have ALL been picked last for kickball every time, that’s not even mathematically possible
[Gives husband a list for groceries]
He brings home 1/2 of what’s on the list and someone else’s kid.
*reheats leftovers from yesterday’s dinner date*
*takes bite*
*waiter from last night knocks on window*“how’s everything tasting folks”
My superpower is finding the one bathroom stall with no toilet paper.
me: *dies*
death: welcome to the afterlife
me: how do I get to heaven?
death: *points* go up those stairs
me: what about hell?
death: *points* go down those stairs
me: and limbo?
death: *points* just duck under that bar
The real danger of running with scissors is that a rock might fall on you.
Welcome to your fifties,
Your bladder is now in charge of all life decisions.
So funny how “go to sleep” and “do parkour” sound exactly the same to kids.
*me petting my cat*
CAT: This is the happiest I will ever be*a door opens*
CAT: Now is my chance to flee this prison and never return
I think my new neighbors are creeps. They seem to be looking into my window every time I’m looking out my window to see what they are doing.
There’s plenty more fish in the sea
“Actually we’ve 5% the tuna we once had. 10% of sharks. 5% of cod”
I’m bad at consoling dumped friends