ME: my underwear is just two soft flour tortillas held together by electrical tape
INTERVIEWER [desperate]: ok and how about weaknesses
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CASHIER: what, no tip?
ME: here’s a tip: always wear a seat belt
CASHIER: no, i meant money
ME: oh sorry. invest in a 401(k)
7yo: daddy did you know that the number eleven is odd?
me: yes
7yo: then why does it have the word even in it?
me:
cop: did u see the speed limit sign
me: of course
cop:
me: but not u
True friends know where you keep the blank check for your bail.
“NO SHIT!”
~Urinals
She’s a ten but she only speaks a long forgotten dead language and her eyes are solid black and she spends too much time on the ceiling.
wife: listen you have to help me be accountable when it comes to eating better
me: no this is a trap i will not fall for anymore.
I should probably just learn a skill instead of waiting around for a malevolent spirit to take over my consciousness or whatever.
“I think this ice cream is spoiled.”
*me drunk, eating mayonnaise*
Things would be so much simpler if everything was as easy as your mom.
Soaking the dishes overnight, or as I like to call it, “not doing the dishes.”
✌️
I enjoy quaint, old-fashioned customs like being nice to people.
If you ever want to defeat your enemy in battle, just throw a waterlogged nerf football at their head.
What’s that Batman movie quote? “You either die a hero, or live long enough to hit the gas instead of the brake and drive your Buick through the front doors of the pharmacy”?
Found an old, dead mosquito in a storage box. You guys want to try and make a Jurassic Park?
Its raining, its pouring,
Working here is boring.
It hurts my head, wish I was dead,
I’m just gonna lay on the flooring.
My husband and I got in a fight and I was certain I had the last word until we went to bed and he started snoring
Me not wearing a bra is apparently a bat signal for anyone in the neighborhood who might need to come to my door for any reason .
If sharks are so tough how come not a single one turned up to fight me behind the school last Friday
Me: Where are the zip ties and duct tape?
Costco employee: Aisle 6
Me: [squeezing his bicep] Oooo you’re beefy. Do you guys carry chloroform?
I don’t push people away, I just do the Macarena
Never do anything you wouldn’t want to explain to the paramedics
Twitter: Cause why drunk dial one person when you can drunk dial the world?
3 day weekend: *exists*
Americans:
The worst part about getting Covid was losing my ability to smell what The Rock was cooking. 😕
behind every “do what you want” is a secret “if you dare”
I hate it when people think I’m staring when really I’m trying to kill them with my mind.
Every time I see a dude in a trench coat i assume he’s going to flash me. When it doesn’t happen, I assume he’s just a spy