Are we not gonna talk about how Edward Scissorhands’ mom had sex with a cutlery drawer?
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Still the funniest sequence of tweets I have ever seen
Dating a skinny guy is cool and all until you both get naked and the societal expectation that women be smaller overwhelms you and the shame u feel about ur body drives you to tears
*pours a shaker of salt into the ocean*
You’re free now
Marking my last weekend of living single by finishing off these 19 cans of baked beans
1985: “I hope we’ll have flying cars in the future!”
2017: “I just used the flashlight on my cell phone to look for spiders under my bed.”
My baby’s daycare teacher said tomorrow is pajama day which is awkward because I send him wearing pajamas every day
“Rogue One” idea:
The spies anxiously wait to meet their new commander.
Boldly – regally – he strides into the room.
“Mesa Jar-Jar Binks”
SALMON: Who has been spreading gossip I thought I could trust you two
TROUT: I don’t know, who could it be?!
BIG MOUTH BASS: Yeah, who??
You can always tell when someone is on a diet by how they scrape every last bit from that yogurt container.
Hello darkness, my old friend. It’s time to eat all the carbs again
If my boyfriend ever cheated on me I’d be like omg I have a boyfriend 🙂
Every Liam Neeson movie now is just him talking on the phone then killing people, right?
Pro tip: Do your makeup before you start drinking.
There are 400 billion birds in the world, 250,000 planes, but only one Superman.
So, in answer to your question… It’s probably a bird.
Doctor: “Do you think your alcohol consumption may be getting out of control?”
Me: *swirls drink* “No”.
The only reason I’m on LinkedIn is to find employed dates for the weekends.
[giving eulogy for friend i let borrow my jacket] ill tell you what i miss most
Me: Eat your vegetables. They make you smarter.
3-year-old: *hands me a carrot* You need this more than I do.
I think tonight while my wife is asleep I’m going to pull on the satin ribbon she’s worn around her neck ever since the day I met her. What’s the worst that could happen. One lil tug
We broke up, but she said we could still be cousins. Merica.
T-REX: listen up pal
AL: my name is al
PTERODACTYL: that’s what he said
“Some people put a ton of research into their fantasy football team but I don’t get crazy with it” -my bf using two monitors with 3 spreadsheets and 10 tabs open
He always wanted a surprise gift wrapped up in a big red bow.
*carefully arranges shiny red ribbon around a wriggling porcupine*
Spilled a can of drink over a nun, and now she’s got a Coke habit.
Well, my grandmother will be happy to know that Gypsies are not as much of a threat as she anticipated.
My boyfriend is not like other guys. He wants to date me
Date: I usually go for the most annoying people possible
Me: actually I just listened to a podcast about that..
Date: *starts playing with hair* oh really
I do the same thing every other woman my age does in the shower. Argue with people in my head.
Toddler: *babbling nonsense*
Me: Ok, got it!
Narrator: But she did not “got it” And this would make the toddler very angry.
It’s subtle, but if a snail has the zoomies, listen close for a soft little wheeeeeeee!