Me: don’t talk to me till I’ve had my coffee
Waitress: …all I said was “what would you like to order”
Me: you’re doing it again
Waitress:
Me:
Waitress:
Me:
Waitress:
Me: oh I see the problem
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Me: *checking weather on phone*
3: Mommy, are you texting Peppa Pig?
Me:
3:
Me: Yes, we go way back.
Hockey is a sport where people use feet knives to walk so they can score a goal with a tiny hamburger.
I’d have murdered my husband years ago, but the only place w/ more laundry than my house is prison.
Oh my God. You try to run him over one time, and he never lets you forget it.
[hurls martini into roaring fireplace] WHO TOLD MY DAD ABOUT THE INTERNET
My dad, seeing my 7yo on an iPad: when I was a kid we played with sticks and rocks all day!
My 7yo: oooh I love sticks and rocks! Will you play with sticks and rocks with me all day today?
Your move, grandpa.
Anybody looking for skeletons for Halloween decorations, there’s still a few complete ones in my yard.
My fridge just screamed “OH JESUS, WHAT NOW?” at me as I opened its door.
Clock: “You need to get up in 6 hours.”
Me: “No you’re mistaken. First I need to Google the lyrics to that song from 9th grade, and then find the episode with the scene where they played that song on BH 90210.”
Women across the Twitterverse get random nudity requests, and I? I get a request for a voice note of me blowing my nose.
it seems as if every day science takes another giant leap forward
Trump: “I’m going to make sure we let in less immigrants.”
Pence: “Fewer!”
Trump: “Shhh, don’t call me that yet.”
I wonder how many tragedies I’ve prevented by standing nearby with my hands on my hips saying “Be careful!”
*shaking head* I can’t tell which news stories are real or are April Fool’s Day pranks. I mean, you could say “Aliens have landed & have demanded to talk to the whales” & I’d just think “So 2022.”
[during fight]
him: I’ll cancel our dinner plans.
me: What? Why?? I still like food, it’s you I don’t like.
me: *fixing something*
him: that’s not broken
me: well, it is now
maybe less RPGs would be about killing god if gods stopped playing absolutely banging tunes whenever someone tries to kill them
You can just put your own drawings up on the fridge. Nobody assumes an adult drew it so they’re always super impressed.
It feels unfair that my evolutionary nervous system reacts like my toddler is in danger every time he screams at the top of his lungs, when in fact, i just opened his lollipop the wrong way.
People who block me are well within their right to be wrong about me
Parents w/ 1st kid: *Peels grape & slices it into 84 tiny pieces.
Parents w/ 4th kid: *Gives kid knife & fork to cut their own steak.
In an alternate universe, people in horror movies make fun of our choices.
Take my advice, I’m not using it.
[text]
Me: on my way over
Friend: u okay?
M: my husband used the guest towels
F: OMG! i’ll open wine
Me: *drops mic*
Mic’s parents: OUR BABY!
[Jesus is resurrected after 3 days]
Mary Magdalene: I KNOW YOU SAW MY TEXTS
HER: I don’t know what you’d do without me.
ME:
HER: Please stop imagining all those things.
ME: Ok.
Shoulder Devil: So I say “Go on–do it!” And the moron does it!
Shoulder Angel: What an idiot!
Me: You guys know I can hear you, right?
[breakfast table]
Me: Who killed the entire box of Lucky Charms?
8: Not me
9: Not me
CEREAL KILLER: Not me either
ME: why is there a question mark on this periodic table?
PHYSICIST: that’s the element of surprise