This headline is a thing of beauty
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Asked my allergist to test for kid allergies and she said I can’t be allergic to my kids so that sucked.
2019: Keto is a lifestyle
2020: Cheeto is a lifestyle
I’ll be providing your mandatory security training today. “Stop clicking things!”
*attempts seductive selfie in bed
*drops phone on face
*chips tooth
“Contactless is safer”, I tell my husband
4: Mommy, you’re just like a Disney movie. We should play pretend.
Me: Aww! Sure!
4:You can be the Beast.
Me: …
4: Or the fat sea witch!
You’re only as smart as the dumbest thing you’ve ever said on the Internet.
what if superman felt the same way about kryptonite as dogs do about chocolate, and people always had to shoo him away from it like, “no, no kryptonite for you, bad superman”
“Wearing horizontal stripes will make you look bigger and really stand out.”
Young Waldo: (whispering) Some day I’ll prove you wrong.
WAS SHOOTING HIS MOTHER NOT ENOUGH
me: hey can we pick up my mom on the way to church
uber: sure
me: cool I’ll cancel the hearse
The lady helping my wife design a dining room table handed me a note reading “blink if you’re being held against your will”
Him: It’s over. You’re too immature.
Me: [with 2 Pringles in my mouth pretending I’m a duck] Quack?
ME: *seductively removes her G-string*
HER: Could you please just hurry up and finish restringing my guitar?
This tweet was written by M. Night Shyamalan.
I bet you didn’t see that one coming.
wife: “remember when i said you were too friendly all the time?”
me: [making cup of tea] “no im not”
burglar: “two sugars please”
I don’t want to be a millionaire, I just want enough money to be able to stare off into the distance while pumping gas.
Just used the phrase “my good coat hanger”, if you’re wondering if I have a Swiss Bank Account.
An old boyfriend hearted my picture on Facebook instead of just liking it, so I was wondering what we should name our kids.
Doctors HATE this weight loss secret! (Photo of a woodchipper)
Dating in your early 20’s:
Show me your abs and buy me beer.Dating in your 40’s:
Show me your credit score, latest bloodwork, proof of vasectomy, divorce papers and medicine cabinet.
Me: Oh hey I should watch this movie
Netflix: Actually you watched 27 minutes of it 3 years ago so you’ll probably want to pick up where you left off
You learn a lot about yourself when you decide to hide cookies from the family.
You inspired me to sing. Never mind the dogs howling for me to stop.
In star trek not one of those snobs orders a grilled cheese sandwich from the replicator smh
*Me being held for ransom*
Kidnapper: Give us the money or you’ll see him again!
interviewer: you have a 3 year gap on your resume that just says “vengeance”
me:
interviewer:
me: you don’t remember me do you?
Bigfoot is real… or rather he was real and quite delicious.
lab assistant: i have good news and some bad news
me: ok what’s the good news
lab assistant: you got an a on your test
me: ok…and?
lab assistant: it’s hepatitis