Him: We’re going to the river, I should bring my wallet
Me: No just leave it here, wtf do you need it for?
His friend: She doesn’t want you to be found with any identifiers
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Okay this futility isn’t going to exercise itself
[god creating jellyfish]
how bout an evil bag
And by noon on the 7th day, God said these kids need some iPads.
Me: If it waddles like a duck and quacks like a duck, it’s probably a duck.
Daughter: Didn’t you waddle when you were pregnant with my sister?
Me: *stops the car* get out!
getting off the floor: the extreme sport of middle age
I knew someone who shared a birthday with her brother, and their sister’s birthday was the day before, and I always felt like that gave me way too much info about their parents
everyone: “you changed”
the climate: i know 😞
Throw away mascara that is empty???? no no no why would I do that? instead I keep them all in my makeup bag and give myself a little game of “which one of these 10 identical tubes is full?” it’s very fun and ruins every single one of my mornings
This is Kaia. She knows she’s not supposed to be on the couch. In her defense, you were not supposed to be home this early. 14/10
i don’t understand all these newfangled apps. like “phone”
This is funnier than it should be. 😂
If the zombie apocalypse hits and you all need a twist tie, my mom has everyone covered.
superman accidentally arriving a thousand years too early
man: is that a bird?
A guy saw me giving my dog water and said that he hopes I have a husband with how caring I am to my dog and I had to explain to him that men should be able to drink water on their own
I wonder if husband spiders get annoyed when their spider wives use all the hot water in the shower shaving their 8 legs.
Being a billionaire should be illegal unless you’re a talking duck with no pants.
[pet store]
Me *looking at snakes*
“CAN I FEED THEM?”
Pet Store Employee [never looks up from his phone] sure.
Me *putting my kids in tank*
And The Bro saith unto them,
Follow me to the club,
and I will make you fishers of women.Bromans 4:19
If you’re ever interviewed after my murder, please, for the love of god, don’t say “she had a smile that lit up the room.” Tell the truth: we always knew she’d get on the wrong side of a sniper or we were worried about that dangerous model train group she got mixed up with.
Robber: This is a stick up
Me: *clears throat* I’ll stick up for Larry. Pat called him an idiot earlier and although it’s true, it was mean
If you need motivation to workout this evening, Justin Bieber changed his Instagram name to Bizzle. Now go ahead, get out that aggression.
Fun typo: “You ate the most important thing in my life.”
Because I didn’t know any better, I always sang “bowels of holly” as a kid.
Her: I want a man who will carry me to the bedroom
Me: I gotchu babe *Gives piggyback*
Me: I just want to meet someone like me. Someone interesting.
Them: well which is it?
[job interview]
Interviewer: It says here that you are a blowfish. Would you care to expand?
A telemarketer called and said,”can I speak with the man of the house.” I replied, “sure” and gave the phone to the cat.
Tried a sample of rosemary mint body wash today and now I smell like a very clean roast chicken.
Assert your dominance by putting a few decorative pillows in your husband’s truck.