Michael Cera forgets to do laundry and has to wear a doctor costume to the hospital. He’s too shy to refuse people and performs 3 surgeries.
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11yo son just walked by.
If Axe was a drug, I’d be stoned right now.
anyone who thinks chickens come out of eggs is an idiot. have you ever seen a chicken? it’s like 500 times the size of an egg. jesus christ
ACCOUNTANT: So you want to write off 5000 bat-shaped boomerangs??
BATMAN, intense voice: They’re essential for my war on crime!
ACCOUNTANT: That’s fine, but claiming *boomerangs* as an *unrecoverable* business expense…
BATMAN, normal voice: Oh yeah, no, yeah, I see your point.
Boss: Lunch meeting, let’s go.
Me: Do I have to?
Boss: Free food and unlimited alcohol.
Me: *moonwalks to the car*
Terribly Tuesday.
The ocean is full of sharks, jellyfish, man-eating octopus, and nightmare whales, but make sure you wait a half-hour after eating to go in.
Insanity [in•san•i•ty] (noun): Doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results
See Also: Going back to your ex
[stranded on Mars journal]
day 1: rob and I have enough oatmeal to last us 300 days
day 2: I ate rob
Adult me must concede that a major contributor to global warming was kid me leaving the front door open and heating the whole goddam world.
Death metal fans are complaining abt all the noise. Irony.
My grandma tries to avoid her neighbor who has a crush on her. This is the exchange they just had:
Him: have you eaten dinner yet
Her: I don’t eat
Him: I know your secret
Me:*nervously sweating, remembering my Netflix history* Yeah?
H: You killed someone
M: *relieved* Oh, haha. Yep
“When do we learn how to breathe underwater?” My kid, overestimating his swimming lessons.
Me:*Gently nudges your arm*
Would you like to be my Valentine?
Doctor: Can we discuss this after your colonoscopy?
Biden: Trump’s sons were nice
Obama: Considering you called them the Menendez brothers all day
B: Uday and Qusay?
Me: It’s ok if they stay a little damp
Automatic hand dryer: I SHALL DRIVE THE WATER FROM YOUR VERY BONES
Why are you wearing that outfit again?
Me: Because I paid for it and I have a washing machine
Being held for questioning sounds more romantic than it is
I’m sorry I hurt your feelings. Here’s a bag of frozen peas for any swelling.
Me: *skips*
My body: HEY REMEMBER WE CAN’T DO THAT ANYMORE
LinkedIn really flies under the radar as the social media platform that’s absolutely the most unhinged
when the buffet is more honest than your date
Whatcha doing?! 😏🤣🐶
‘God given talent’ is a weird idea.
God: “Hmmm, I’ll give it to that kid and let the other millions work in data entry.”
“Why are these little movies interrupting my movie?”
My kid, experiencing broadcast television and its commercials for the first time.
Twitter: yo don’t say stimulus say stimmy
Me: hey did u hear taylor won another gramulus
My husband: Okay, bye! I’m headed to play golf.
My kid: bye, Dada! I love you! We’ll always have our memories.
I just got hit head on by a crazy women riding a menstrual cycle.
Multitasking is key these days. If not during my husband’s work video call, when am I supposed to sport my wedding gown and roll by on a skateboard