3yo: I don’t wanna go to sleep
Me: your body needs sleep to grow
3yo: but I’m already growed
Me: how do you think I got so big
3yo: by eating
Me:
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Herpes is trending, good job people
What if the Bad News Bears literally gave you bad news?
Bear 1: You’re adopted
Bear 2: The cancer is terminal
Bear 3: This tweet ain’t funny
Sometimes my southern accent sneaks out. Like just today I meant to say “You all” and instead I had sex with my cousin.
Read a magazine at the doctor’s office so I’m all caught up on Clinton running for president. I don’t think Bush can beat him.
My mind’s telling me “No!” But my body, my body’s telling me “There’s that chicken salad in the fridge.”
Dog: I will do anything for you
Human: drop the ball
Dog: nope
I could never be an actress because I don’t want kids and would never be able to say “but my favorite role is being a mom” at award shows.
Overheard in Dublin pub bathroom last night:
Girl 1: “My Ma is going mad that I’m out on Christmas Eve. She said to me: ‘it’s the day baby Jesus was born, and you’re out drinking’”
Girl 2: “Jesus was born ages ago, relax!
I love that Amazon hires data scientists to figure out that based on my excessive paper towel purchase history I likely have two kids and a cat
In gangster movies they “know a guy” for every dirty job, yet I can’t find a single rando to fill in for Tuesday softball
You can’t choose your family but you can choose a hitman.
Boss: Remember to only use your new laptop for job related things
Me: [Using laptop to search for a new job]
Having this propane tank bounce around my floorboard is one way to work up a sweat on a chilly morning
succession but with mickey mouse and friends
The best letter to the editor in today’s @TB_Times.
A woman was arrested when her boyfriend’s body was found in a freezer in their living room. Who the hell puts a freezer in the living room?
me: this haunted house is so scary
wife:
me: look at all the spooky witches
wife: we are in a house of mirrors
me: oh no they seem mad
My sister sent me a picture of us when we were teenagers with a caption “look how pretty you used to be”
If your trust issues began with a sugar cookies tin full of sewing supplies you’re my people.
Interviewer: “need anything before we start?”
Hold on let me get my e-cig out of my PT cruiser
“…Actually the position has been filled”
5: Dad, can you get me pasta?
Me: Ah, we don’t have any.
5: That’s ok, you can make some, I don’t mind waiting.
[wife explaining to me how deaths in movies work]
So the actors really don’t die?
“No”
So is Abraham Lincoln really not dead?
*she sighs*
My boyfriend wanted a serious relationship so we stopped smiling at each other.
i maintain uninterrupted eye contact with my boss, who is in the process of firing me, as i slowly pull out a chimichanga from my coat pocket & begin eating it
the best advice i ever received was from george costanza when he said that if you look annoyed people think you’re busy
She believed she could so she did and now I have a meeting with her teacher and the principal.
Imagining the meeting I call to apologize to my co-workers for posting a video in which I publicly accused them of plotting my murder.
I’ve purchased a longer telephone cord so that I can remain on Neighborhood Watch and still talk to Fran.
WIFE: (watching news) Someone broke into the Smithsonian Museum last night.
ME: (wearing an original pair of ruby slippers) That’s weird.
Priest: Don’t chew gum in church.
Me: If I don’t, I’ll have bad breath when I talk to God.
Priest:
Me: It’s your fault if I go to hell.