Sure it was spent alone in a desert hut, but Obi Wan basically wore a bathrobe for 19 years and I have nothing but respect.
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My husband and I often laugh about how competitive we are, but I laugh more.
Let’s put the delete button next to the most important, most used button on this app, lol
~App developers probably
[airplane nose dives]
*turns to kid behind
‘Could you please stop kicking my seat!’
Irony ~ giving my daughter a set of my old encyclopedias and she Googles “What’s an encyclopedia?”
He was like, ‘We’re all slowly dying’
So I was like, ‘WRONG’
and I threw him in front of a moving bus.
Why does ma Nana’s dog look like he’s trying tae see what he wants tae order from the chippy
me: tries to get every last possible drop out of a shampoo bottle so as not to waste any
also me: rinses away half a bar of soap to get a single hair off of it
I have an extensive library of over 2,000 classic, important books just in case you have a question about the first 54 pages of one of them.
A friend cut me from their family Christmas card mailing list, do I send a thank you card or…
Cops: THIS IS THE POLICE. COME OUT WITH YOUR HANDS UP.
Me: I can’t, my dog fell asleep on my lap.
Cops: AWWWW. OK WE’LL COME BACK LATER.
“Bad actors” is a wild term because it could mean when the government is doing war crimes but it could also just mean Jared Leto
[God, creating pigeons]
Make them pace back and forth like a lawyer.
I just want a man who’ll drag me to the bedroom, throw me on the bed & do dirty dishes while I take a nap. Is that too much to ask for?
Them: what is dumbest thing you have done?
Me: you mean like today?
[Having guests over for the first time after restrictions are lifted]
Them: Wow your place looks great! So clean!
Us: Thanks we were trying to stay alive.
I wonder how much deeper the ocean would be without sponges. 🤔
Turns out we don’t yell “sweep the leg” during curling matches I know this now.
Kylo Ren: We must find Luke Skywalker
General Hux: Why? He won’t fight & you don’t need training.
Kylo: He might have cool Vader souvenirs
The human body is a vehicle transporting food from the refrigerator to the toilet.
TOUCH NOT MY PONDERING CRYSTAL
“Owen, you must hide this baby, at all costs, from Anakin Skywalker.”
“Okay. Should we continue to call him Luke Skywalker?”
“Seems fine.”
on a scale of 1 to eating cereal out of a bundt cake pan with a melon baller, how lazy are you about washing dishes on the weekends?
i’ll take the “hell yes assorted cheese” please
My wife didn’t cover her yawn so I opened my mouth too and I totally won the silent screaming contest.
*reads own tweet*
Haha, so relatable
Me: Check it out! I’m juggling!
Wife:
Me:
Wife: You’re supposed to use more than one ball.
Me: Can’t you just be happy for me?
why was 6 mad when 7 won her a stuffed elephant? because 7 1 1 4 9 2
Me: My daughters are fighting non stop this summer.
Parent with sons: My boys tore off our garage door yesterday and painted 1/5 of our house orange.
Follow me on Pinterest for seasonal craft ideas and spells for summoning ancient demons.
[self-quarantine day 3]
must clean the house and bathe[self-quarantine day 8]
have to get my shit together[self-quarantine day 15]
can’t keep living like this[self-quarantine day 21]
might be losing it[self-quarantine day 34]
taught mr. wiggles to play “careless whisper”