You’re like a first job.
No one likes you but at least you’re a learning experience.
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Cyndi Lauper: “Girls just want to have fun.”
Me: “Some of us just want eight hours of uninterrupted sleep.”
Me: “I updated the employee handbook like you asked.”
Boss: “This is just a book with pics of everyone’s hands.”
Me: “Pretty cool, right?”
[House Hunters]:
Hi I’m a tree enthusiast and my partner collects stamps. Our budget is 6 million dollars
Surprise your boyfriend with new boyfriend this valentine
My beef with you is that you’re too chicken to pork me.
I get out of awkward conversations by pulling a balloon out, making a dog and just say I need to take it for a walk.
What’s the best martial art to teach a child? Nothing too aggressive; I just want my son to be able to defend himself. He’s 8 months old
Please follow the instructions
1) Read all instructions
2) Sacrifice a goat
3) Cut off your fingers
4) Eat glass5) Only do number one
Reading that the economy is good while perusing 1 bedroom apartments being rented for 5,000 dollars a month and looking at jobs that pay 31,000 dollars a year.
I wish I had the confidence of someone who takes only 5 pair of underwear on a 5 day vacation
(Creating Atheists)
God: Make some humans Sciencey
Angel: Will they believe in you?
God: No, but they’ll be so surprised when we meet!
Keep your friends close but your potential organ donors closer.
BELLE: *Trying to be polite* So, why do they call you Beast?
BEAST: *Legitimately surprised and hurt* People call me Beast?
[First day as a plumber]
Boss: What’s wrong?
Me: *tearing up* This is nothing like Mario.
Perhaps you could be persuaded to look the other way, Officer.
You’re a cunt. Maybe that’s why you’re alone.
Toddlers wait until you’re at your breaking point to lean in for a hug and headbutt you right in the eye socket.
me: [getting stabbed]
dog: [sleeping]
me: [on fire]
dog: [sleeping]
me: [screaming for help]
dog: [sleeping]
me: [taking a dump while eating string cheese]
dog: [head between my legs] so whatcha doing
Sometimes a man has needs that can’t be fulfilled in the home.
[goes to animal shelter and pets all the cats]
Normal people driving by a construction site: wonder what they’re building…
Me: what a great place to bury a body!
My husband pays me the highest compliments. Like “WOW! Look at you. You’re dressed.”
just got divorced on zoom in a dunkin donuts, the way the lord intended
Sorry my diet made me slap the oreo out of your toddler’s hand and scream “NOT TODAY SATAN!”
If my wife comes to bed nude it’s ON, but when it’s me at the end of the bed naked she’s all “what are you doin, we’re at Mattress City.”
Why don’t you get back in your little car with lights and pull over someone who cares.
My dog barks for 2 reasons:
1. When somewhere in the world another dog is barking.
2. When somewhere in the world no other dog is barking.
Receptionist: Psychiatric Unit, can I help you?
Me: Yes, I’d like to make a reservation…
Why do Swedish warships have bar codes on the sides?
So that when they return to port, they can Scandinavian.
This guy would have upwards of 50k followers on this site, and his tweets would be absolutely insane
crazy how my parents yelled at me as a child to “prepare me for the real world” when the only person who consistently yells at me is my cat