me [putting sons toy together] I don’t think *looks at instructions* *looks at box* Yeah, buddy, it’s not supposed to be on fire like that
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Her: You secretly think your taste in music is superior to everyone else’s.
Me: Secretly? No.
I was fightin’ this daylight savings shit but this morning I planted twelve acres of soybeans and fed the cows. Didn’t even know I had cows but there they were.
I wish there were a specific ring you could wear that meant “I’m not married but I don’t want men to talk to me”
Kind of jealous of how my alarm can go back to sleep after I tap snooze.
Damn girl are you a cobweb cause you’re really clingy and annoying
Her: How do you like your bacon?
Me: In bulk
*watching Goodfellas for the first time* These fellas are morally grey at BEST
[harry potter at an interview]
interviewer: it says here you found & destroyed seven horcuxes
harry: that’s correct, sir
interviewer: but no experience creating a powerpoint presentation, wow
i used to steal a bunch of digestion meds as a kid and all the cvs’s around town had a wanted sign calling me klepto bismol
Guess I missed the memo on National ‘bring your camel toe to work’ day.
You people that are getting laid regularly either need to keep that stuff to yourselves or be more descriptive.
I like to test the waters by pushing people in.
*puts up baby gates all around the outside of my house*
There. That should keep ’em out.
It was to keep our furry overlords content😉
Barbie gone wild
KIM KARDASHIAN: Elane you GOTA see the BABY
ELANE: I follow you on instagram. Im gona see it
In first grade when I’d tell my parents what I learned in class and they’d act amazed, I’d think “Shouldn’t you know this shit already?”
Why isn’t there a roomba that cuts grass? Probably some stupid law about sending a blade wielding robot out into the neighborhood.
Benedict Cumberbatch sounds like the fake name someone called Ben would give when he realised halfway through that giving his real name would be a bad idea.
my family was too poor for a gene pool, so we soaked our genes in rye whiskey.
Bartender: A shot of whiskey can cleanse the soul
Me: *thinks back to the time I “experimented” in college* I’ll take 27 bottles please
You know you’re a parent when solitary confinement sounds like a reward not a punishment.
In your 20s you hope you don’t fall for the wrong person, in your 40s you hope you don’t fall in the driveway when nobody’s home.
GOD: Let’s give her ALL the awesome.
“But what if it’s TOO much awesome?”
GOD: Then we’ll divide it evenly between multiple personalities.
If you’re a vegan and an atheist and a runner, how do you choose which way to annoy people in a conversation first?
Internal me: Gurrrrl, you are being crazy. Reign it in.
Actual me: So I just need to say one thing…
Being Man, a territorial animal, I assert dominance by sending Facebook Pokes.
We squint at the sun because it’s bright.
We squint at people because they’re not.