With every passing day the gap between being a negligent cook and being an arsonist gets a little smaller. Soon I should be able to take out a whole block with a strategic “trying this new egg recipe.”
You Might Also Like
haha, if i’m supposed to be at work right now then how come these firefighters are rescuing me from the top of this tree?
Yelp review: This forest is so full of trees you can’t see a damn thing. Also, bugs. 0/10
*painting your nails* one hand : perfect. other hand : looks like a blind cat did it.
Them: What’s wrong with you?
Me: *gets them a chair and puts on the kettle*
i bet there’s a couple seconds on that medieval torture stretcher rack where it feels incredible
[to the realtor showing me a property on sesame street] wait is that a vampire
I’m swilling port like a British butler who had a rough afternoon at the races.
good cop: you do not have to talk to us
bad cop: [running away from a spider] i need backup
ME: [sitting in kitchen writing out bills]
SON: I lost a tooth. I’m gonna leave it under my pillow tonight.
ME: I’d wait until next week.
when you came back from the bathroom and your younger sibling had taken your spot on the couch
Cabin 1: *coughs
Cabin 2: What’s the matter with him?
Cabin 3: Cabin Fever.
My phone encourages me to get exercise, monitors my heart rate and tells me when to go to bed.
I think it’s one of the most nurturing relationships I’ve ever had.
Apparently, autocorrect wants me to get my shirt together.
I love that “take out” means food, dating, and murder.
The five years of life you gain by eating healthy are spent preparing healthy food.
COP: Can you describe the man who shot you?
ME: He seemed mad
When I was a medical student, another med student asked, “Why are we admitting this guy to psychiatry for hearing voices? Everyone hears voices all the time.”
I think about this a lot.
Being an adult
Pros)You can eat anything you want
Cons)You can’t eat anything you want
The Roomba keeps going right past a piece of garbage without picking it up. It’s one of the family now.
gf: you should learn from your mistakes
me: ok! so teach me
Cop: First name please…
“Frida”
Cop: Last name…
“Gomam”
Cop: You’re Frida Gomam?
*peels out*
Cop: Nice, nice
ME: ok doc what’s wrong
DOCTOR: u have 6 months to live
ME: *leans in closer* no what’s wrong
DOCTOR: it’s just u only visit me when ur sick
[House has collapsed]
Fireman: Your dad is stuck underneath, I’m not sure we’ll find him in time
Me: *steps nearer* GUESS I’LL BE DOING ALL THE GRILLING FROM NOW ON
*rubble starts to move*
I like to leave myself sexy love notes in my lunches and act all surprised and giddy like “WHAAAAAT—-NOT AGAIN!” and then proceed to read the note out loud as my co-workers look on in envy.
Making toast in the bathtub just hits differently
My computer crashed and now all the other computers have slowed down so they can see what’s happening.
In my town we have little crime and lots of cops which makes me mad because all the good donuts are gone early in the morning.
Wonder why my son doesn’t want me to walk him to the bus stop?
Maybe I’d better unhook one of the straps on my overalls like the cool kids.
“Gary give me the gun”
“I thought you had it”
“I TOLD you to bring it”
“I didn’t”
“who brought the getaway car?”
-Disorganized crime
You can tell kids you’re friends with the President, they don’t know.