There are approximately zero ways to chase paper in the wind without looking like the village idiot
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*starts new diet*
“Do not drink caffeine”
*ends new diet*
Waiter: And how would you like your steak?
Guy Who Has Only Ever Eaten Goldfish Crackers: … umm… flavor blasted?
The absolute CHAOS of this onesie my mom sent us for the baby…
*continues eating while receiving the Heimlich*
me: do you have anything for dry skin?
pharmacist: aloe.
me: um hi. do you have anything for dry skin.
Is a rivalry between 2 vegetarians still called Beef?
[washing my hands in the blood of my enemies] *counting to 20 in my head*
after u do your laundry u should be allowed to get in the dryer and tumble for a little. no charge.
Yankee Doodle went to town riding on a pony; he stuck a feather in his hat, and called it macaroni… That folks, is what drugs do to you.
They went back to his place after what could only be described as the perfect first date.
“So, what are you really looking for?” he asked her.
“Honestly,” she laughed. “A guy that can load a dishwasher correctly.”
“Go ahead, open it.” he replied, a grin forming on his face.
[while listening to halloween sounds cd I bought] spooky huh [friend on road trip with me] yeah but got anythin else its like a 6 hour drive
AND ANOTHER THING, is a person in a casket a hot dog, sandwich or ravioli?
Of course the Midwest takes sports very seriously, what else are we going to obsess over…corn?
Objects in motion tend to resent objects on the couch not in motion.
A tartan is what you get when you sunbathe on the asphalt
A large group of Canadian Geese is called a Nightmare.
Her: I bet you forgot it.
Him: I have a photographic memory.
[shakes violently]Her: ?
Him: Sorry, it’s a Polaroid. Is it Becky?
Her: NO
Back in 2000 a woman I was seeing gave me an Easter basket. My cat would eat a piece of the plastic “grass” which would then make him throw up. He kept doing this despite it making him sick every time.
This is a great analogy for me continuing to read your tweets.
Girls adore it when you guess their weight as they walk by.
Why do the models on the catwalks always look so angry? I would have been very happy to get paid to just walk around in fancy clothes.
I hate how, no matter where you move, smoke from the campfire always follows you.
[ I pause upon entering the Sears Optical Department. The smoke watches me from Homewares, pretending to look at a blender ]
Guy: I don’t deserve you.
Girl: Awwwww…you’re so sweet…
Guy: I don’t mean that in a good way.
Wife: I told you to dress our daughter in her purple shirt.
Me: I did.
Wife: That’s mauve.
I hate it when she makes up words.
I think it’s nice when bank robbers carpool.
Him: My tummy feels crummy.
Me: Too much rummy, dummy.
If you are being chase by a serial killer, you both are running for your life
this is the best interaction on twitter
I had a call from a charity asking me to donate old clothes for starving people. I told them anybody who fits into my clothes isn’t starving
Psychiatrist (swinging a pocket watch): You are feeling verrry sleepy…
Me: No shit, doc. I suppose next you’re gonna tell me I’m feeling sad and fat.