[Spelling bee]
JUDGE: Spell “Insubordinate”ME: *Lips on mic* No.
JUDGE: I don’t… where do we go from here?
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me: [yelling at houseplant] I AM NOT AN ALCOHOLIC
wife: I’m over here
If I’m suddenly acting really nice to you, chances are it’s only because I want what you’re eating.
[me telling my story how I survived a plane crash and lived on a deserted island for a year] it was crazy
[friend who once got a text from me where I accidentally called the grinch the grink] was the grink there?
My girlfriend said she wants a fairy-tale life. So I’ve trapped her in her gran’s bedroom with a wolf.
Was your teacher drunk when he made your multiple choice test?
1) Yes
Δ) No
%) I love you guys
M) 8
•) Potato
a big congratulations to all the big baseball men for not closing their eyes when the ball was coming towards them, good job men
Walked in on my 5yo absolutely destroying his punching bag so I’m not even gonna ask him what kind of day he had at school today.
Me: What are you doing?
My 6yo: [buttering the piano] Nothing.
“Are you insane? Did you escape from a mental institution?” he flirted.
If my dude is messaging you.. he’s your dude..
Keep. Him. 😂
Great game to play with friends
Wife: I wish you’d just admit when you’ve made a mistake
Me: *stirring my coffee serenely* I prefer it with salt
So you’re telling me that the Portuguese women’s football team aren’t known as Portugals?
I don’t want to open a can of worms in a china shop but mixed metaphors can be very effective and logical to boot. No bull.
Providing directions like “when the wind blows northeasterly, you’ll come to a rickety old white mansion with an old crone in a rocking chair on the porch—turn to the exact angle her nose points, then continue until a frog hits you in the face. I’ll be the one throwing the frog.”
Love means never having to say you’re sorry for accidentally bringing home six more cats.
“Stop hitting me.”
-Rock bottom.
Bscape Enyone Aan Can Have
My husband called and asked if I could be naked before he gets home from work. I feel awkward sitting here with his mother, but whatever.
when I have dinner with a vegetarian I order two steaks to use as a bun for my third steak
Paranormal Activity would be more unsettling if the room started messy and the ghost cleaned it
I was just reading a list of 50 things you should do before you die.
And it’s quite surprising that “Yell for help ” is not one of them!!!
Alright pregnant ladies-this is YOUR BIG DAY!!!!!!
#LaborDay
“Don’t you understand the basics of cuddling? You don’t struggle and I don’t hurt you.”
He also looks really rough for a 4 year old
*licks the powdered sugar off the donuts and puts them back*
Boss: I kinda like these new low-cal donuts. Real moist.
Him: I’ve never had any broken bones
Me: *remembers his profile said he loves trying new things* Noted
Neighbor: I need to run to the store. Can you watch the baby?
Me (thinks of Daredevil cued up on Netflix): I am a registered sex offender
One time in LA I heard a girl tell her friend she made out in an Uber on a date then asked her friend “What’s the farthest you’ve ever gone in an Uber?” and her friend replied “Burbank.” and I’m convinced even Mel Brooks couldn’t have written a better setup and punchline.
[Obamacare Meeting]
*Biden raises hand*
*Obama sighs* Yes Joe?
Will the doctor still have lollipops?
Sure.
*Entire Congress sighs w/ relief*