Me – I’m not in the mood to work today
My bank account – you better GET in the mood
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Paul McCartney wrote ‘Yesterday’
But he also wrote ‘Obla-de-obla-da’ and ‘Ebony and Ivory’
So, don’t worry if some of your tweets are shit
Putting carrot sticks in the break room next to the cake is considered work place violence, Jim. Security will see you out.
Boy, are you a protractor because with all your measured angles and collected numbers you’re such a transparent tool.
The reason sex with a vampire doesn’t usually result in pregnancy isn’t because their sperm is dead, it’s because the vampire can’t come inside without an invitation.
Thank you for coming to my HaunTED Talk.
”It looks like that man who seems familiar is waving at me, but is he really?” And that my friends, is what I should have thought before waving back😬
Sneaking into my neighbour’s home just to raid the kitchen and then accidently setting the house on fire is how I will end up in prison.
Someone: you’re the coolest person I know!
Me: Omg wowww!!!!
My mind: (they need to meet more people)
Age 8: Flinging myself off the swings at high speed onto a concrete floor, bouncing up instantly and laughing before bounding away like a gazelle.
Age 48: Raising my eyebrows in a slightly more robust way than usual and fracturing my skull.
[to a straight couple]
Which one is the lesbian and which one is the other lesbian
My acting career began at a very early age, when my mom asked who broke the vase in the hallway.
No, Store Security Guy, I’m not stealing anything
I just don’t know how to be in public anymore
Doctor: Your son is lactose intolerant
Me: Oh my god
[later that day]
Me [runs into field and punches a cow]: That’s for inventing milk
God: I made something new. It’s like a tornado, but smaller.
Angel: What do you call it?
God: A toddler.
nobody: …
my dog: yay !! look dad, I’ve found the dried chicken foot I hid in the bedroom.
SURE IF YOU LIVE IN THE WOODS THERE IS A NON-ZERO CHANCE YOU WILL BE TORN APART BY SOMETHING BIGGER THAN YOU BUT I CAN GUARANTEE YOU WILL NEVER HAVE TO HEAR ABOUT PODCASTS AGAIN
Me: But do I have to talk to him? Every day?? This seems excessive.
Marriage Counsellor: …
her: let’s try roleplaying
me: can I be a hypochondriac?
her: you got it
me: *suddenly nervous* got what
I’m going bananas!
*What I tell my bananas when I’m leaving the house.
Eating Triscuits always feels like I’m chewing very small wicker lawn furniture while a family of dolls in beach outfits stares at me in horror.
Dads watch golf because they know no one will join them
Just got glasses for the first time in 20 years and holy shit everyone looks terrible
mugger: YOUR MONEY OR YOUR LIFE
me: My best friend will protect me
mugger: Haha, right-
[my dog appears spinning dual nunchucks]
Starlord: Galaxy. Superman: Earth. Spiderman: NYC. And then there’s Daredevil micromanaging the shit out of 10 blocks in midtown Manhattan.
[First date] You didn’t google the menu before you came to the restaurant? This isn’t going to work.
Keep reaching for the stars but get a better deodorant.
(in starbucks) “i’ll take 450 lattes”
“thats $2,380”
(card declined) “DAMMIT just one then”
Me, a detective: I have a weird feeling in my gut about this guy.
My Mom: you just have to poop.
[lying in bed after sex] my dad hit someone with his minivan in 1989.
Boss: Don’t sit in that cubicle, it’s haunted by the ghost of Steve
New Hire: Prove it
Boss: DONUTS IN THE BREAKROOM
* the office chair spins around immediately *