Me: *walking out of dressing room* Ok be honest…
Boyfriend: I’m gay.
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When an IT person pisses me off I just wait until 4:45pm to crash my computer.
BUNNIES: I love hopping!
SNAKE WITH BUNNY EARS ON A POGO STICK: Haha yes, but shouldn’t we get home and check on our delicious babies?
Eating in my 40s is confusing: I’m young enough that I still need to take care of my body, but old enough that I don’t want to risk having a salad as my last meal.
I was talking to someone and combined “all good” and “no worries” by saying “all worries”. Which was a lot more accurate.
“I might pop down later” – Translation: You’ve more chance of seeing a dancing hippo than you have of seeing me later
Finding a guy to marry who is rich enough to pay off my debt, but not so rich he wants a prenup is, like, so much harder than I anticipated.
ME: honey, it’s really muggy out today
WIFE: if I go outside & all our mugs are on the front lawn, I’m leaving u
ME: *sips coffee from bowl*
The person who figures out how to marry someone without marrying their family too, will win the Nobel Peace Prize
“sir, can i ask why you’re smoking TWO huge blunts?”
“officer, I’m…”
*turns to camera*
“double jointed”
*cop starts breakdancing*
[first date]
Bruce Wayne: “please tell me you’re a dog person, i’m so done with cat women”
If you’re happy and you know it, thank your ex.
[first day as a scientist]
Scientist: you have a budget of $1.3m
*2 weeks later*
Scientist: we need a progress update
Me [has blown the budget on an army of genetically engineered dog size giraffes]: wind is basically air in a hurry
I asked my driving instructor if I passed my driving test, he told me “no” as we swam ashore.
Me eating dark chocolate: Mmm healthy choice! This is basically a vegetable.
NASA is launching a new mission to say sorry to the aliens, they are calling it, “Apollo G”
did u kno that when a plane lands the first person to stand up gets to drive the plane for the next trip
Used to think my house was pretty nice until I starting watching HGTV. Now I just walk around depressed about my lack of sliding barn doors & wondering if I can knock down a wall & discover pristine hardwood floors under my carpet…all before I host book club at 6:00pm tomorrow.
You can tell Charles Manson really loves his fiancée by the way he hasn’t murdered her.
I’ve got moves like Jagger, too…
…so far all it’s gotten me is unnecessary medical attention.
got my gf a manicure for our anniversary
If you use the word “whatevs” I will refuse to drink with you, unless you’re buying me a drink then whatevs.
wishing you and yours all the best
“Leave the peach cobbler in the kitchen alone,” mother would say, going upstairs.
But I couldn’t help myself. I sneaked in and watched him. Watched him make his stupid little peach shoes, taunting.
“Nobody’s going to wear those,” I’d say. “They’re stupid.”
But on he worked.
I just “shaved “both my legs with the little plastic cap still on the razor and didn’t notice until I was “finished” with the second leg.
I just scraped shaving cream off my legs like ice off a windshield.
You haven’t seen rage until you’ve seen a group of women waiting for a yoga instructor who no-shows.
Millions stunned and blindsided to learn Tim Allen had been on a network sitcom for like the last six years or something
Guy: Why does everyone call you “Gross Gary”?
Gary: [filling a canteen with hotdog water] Nobody calls me that.
ME [as a kid]: someday, I can go buy beer legally
ME [now]: i just wanna buy marshmallows
Whenever the weather guy on tv says morning sunshine, I always say “and good morning to you too sweetie!”