We rescued an injured coyote once but were totally unprepared for how many Acme products they order.
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When my wife sends me to the grocery store solo with a specific list I am not allowed to improvise. That was made clear when I got home.
villain: it seems i’m holding all the cards, mr. bond
james bond: UNO!
villain: shit
I would like a mode of transportation that only allows me to travel a foot at a time with maximum effort requiring stellar balance.
*pogo stick inventor* I got you.
On one hand, eating meat is bad for your body, bad for animals and bad for the earth. On the other hand, bacon.
*orders pepperoni pizza*
Her: you need to start taking better care of yourself.
*calls back, adds mushrooms*
Her: I like a man who’s loud in bed
Me: *turns on my cpap machine*
Her: Not like that
I honestly think we are asking too much of cauliflower.
lmaaaaaooooooooo
Just saw New England clam chowder, a soup that I thoroughly enjoy, described as “hot fish yogurt” and now I’m upset
*snaps rechargeable battery into bottom of cordless drill like cocking ammo into the butt of a gun*
ME: let’s hang some floral art décor!
baby daddy implies the existence of ginger daddy, scary daddy, Victoria Beckham daddy and sporty daddy
7-ELEVEN CUSTOMER: Ew! This slurpee machine is full of weird dirt!
MANAGER: Weird dirt? But that means…
*cut to Dracula flailing around in a coffin filled with blue berry blast*
*waves to the bagged salad i’ll throw out in a few days as i get ketchup for my fries
Your Game of Thrones name is your biggest fear spelled backwards plus the profession your guidance counselor suggested. Mine is Snwolc Clown
NO THAT IS OBVIOUSLY NOT WHAT I’M LOOKING FOR GOOGLE
Never judge a married man until you’ve walked on his eggshells.
I asked my cat if I’m passive aggressive and she ignored me.
I hope I don’t forget to feed her tonight.
My mind thinks I’m 6, and my heart thinks I’m 22, but my body knows we’ve died and reached hell.
When the cleaning lady say’s “Have a good night”, I try to time it so we say it in unison. Then I say our “You too” response in harmony.
I’ve reached the age where I meet a person I would consider “older” and then find out they’re the same age as me.
Reporter: Tell me about him
Neighbor: He was so nice, sweet, friendly, funny
R: Do you think he killed those people?
N: Oh, yeah absolutely.
*son wants to go to water park*
*bring him to water park*
*starts raining*
*he starts crying..because he’s getting wet*this is why I drink
I added someone as a friend 2 years ago but they haven’t responded. They must be really busy.
Every car wash comes with a free shower if you get out of your vehicle naked.
I like my women like I like my glasses: thick, transparent, and uneven
Melatonin: You want some help falling asleep?
Me: Yes please.
Melatonin: And you want your nightmares more vivid and real?
Me: What?
Ceiling Lady: 🅈🄾🅄 🄷🄴🄰🅁🄳 🄷🄸🄼.
*Held up the grocery line because the card reader couldn’t read my Apple Watch*
Elderly Man behind me: (Exhales) Let’s move this along, future boy
Cop: Know why I stopped u?
Scientist: No
Cop: How much science u do tonite?
Scientist: Just one-[test tube falls from coat]
Cop: Get out
It’s so annoying when they tell you to reset the modem like, do you think I would call you if I knew which one was the modem?
Today’s PSA:
No one can “get your goat” if you don’t let your goat get got.-You’re welcome