Of course I know the difference between right and wrong … wrong is the fun one
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“I’m not angry, just disappointed. You need to try harder. This is important! Do I make myself clear?”
“Sorry, sir. Here’s your ketchup.”
Bury me with thousands of bottle caps so whoever finds me 2000 years from now really freaks out
If I had a husband, I wouldn’t give him my address. Some things should be private.
I was going to clean my house but decided to stop inviting people over instead
Thank you, Internet.
Thank you.
I made a Tinder account for 1st time ever today for some blog research and it’s going pretty well.
4th Wiseman: I’ll just get him a gift card.
Will no one rid me of this turbulent poodle?
School supply list when I was a kid:
*crayons
*glue
*rulerSchool supply list now:
*Clorox wipes
*paper towels
*Ziploc baggiesApparently they’re teaching my kid to be a janitor or a drug dealer.
I’m extremely good at being so close to getting a prediction right.
I’m like an Almostradamus.
Bartender: This is from that guy at the end of the bar.
Me: A glass of milk??
*looks to the left*
Crap. That’s my Doctor.
No I can’t go questing today my squire has midterms.
I had an important meeting with my kids. I’ve been waiting to have this talk for a while. I started the meeting by grabbing the toothpaste. I made eye contact with all of them and then very slowly put the cap back on. It was a shocking demonstration, but I think they got it.
Me: *Living in the US for 16 years*
Me: *Calls mom in India everyday 9PM*
Mom: *Everyday* What time is it there?
“What do you want? I’m very busy.”
“Afternoon, ma’am, my name is-“
“Who is it, Mom?”
“No one, go finish your homework.”
[baby born with silver spoon in mouth]
Doctor: What the hell?
People are teaching their dogs how to skateboard and my dog’s chart at the vet says “must be picked up, won’t walk”.
Don’t ask me if I’m flirting with you I promise you I have literally no idea
I hated muffins until I was 17 & saw someone remove the wrapper on the bottom of a muffin before eating one. Prior to this, I thought it was just part of the muffin eating experience & would angrily eat muffin wrappers because… I just thought that I had to.
*hides recorder in box*
*puts box in safe*
*locks safe*
*digs 50-foot hole*
*throws safe in*
*covers hole*
[5 minutes later]
9yo: *playing recorder*
date: what do you do?
me: i’m a filmmaker.
date: oh what’s that like?
me: [shrugs] i inhale a lot of plastic fumes.
Me: ugh. The radio these days is full of bad news. Burglary over there, stabbing over here. Just turn it off please
Arresting officer: no
interrogator: you leave us no choice. time for good cop, jazz cop
suspect: you mean bad cop?
interrogator: no
suspect: i confess.
Two guys named Noodles and Pancakes are fighting right now.
I will never quit you, Twitter.
him: I think we should see other people
me: is that on hulu or netflix
Thursday Thought.
CAMEL 1: Hey can u hold this for me for one sec?
CAMEL 2: I would but I kinda have a lot on my back right now..
CAMEL 1: It’s one straw Marvin don’t be like that
Hurry everyone! While Canada is getting baked out of their mind today, I think we can rush in and take all the maple syrup and free health care we can carry.
I told my DAD to embrace his mistakes. he cried. then he hugged My brother & me.
There’s a great new book on minimalism but I only read the blurb because I believe that’s what the author would want.