“May you have a long happy life together and never be killed by blunt force trauma caused by your spouse to collect insurance money.”
– Me, giving a wedding toast I did not properly prepare to give because I spent all my preparation time watching true crime shows
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Doritos – my own personal love triangles.
Me: not today, anxiety!
My kids: hold my koolaid..
Amazing that the townspeople didn’t like Belle what with her waking up every day and calling them a bunch of simple idiots
No handshakes?! Then how am I supposed to know when the mating ritual is over?
That second sandwich was a mistake.
– me, making a third sandwich
Was Darth Vader a humidifier or dehumidifier?
Be carefully which minty aromatic
plants you accidentally step on.Thyme wounds all heels.
Dude’s trunk just popped open in front of me on the expressway ramp. I instinctively looked to see if any of you were in there.
The guy who pumped our septic tank said everything was good & I felt the same accidental pride that I feel when the dental hygienist says my teeth are ok.
ME: I declare bankruptcy
CUSTOMS OFFICER: No just like stuff you bought in Mexico
“Men are pigs” – misandrist &/or world’s worst biologist
Toddler: I don’t like you. *hits*
Adult: I don’t like you. *tracks your movements for the rest of your life*
My wife yelled out in the hallway, there’s a severe thunderstorm warning now …. I could barely hear her way back in this closet with my cat.
“Stuff that alligator in that dolphin” – God creating sharks
Batman could have used his wealth to help Gotham’s poor and disenfranchised. But no, we really needed another violent leather fetishist.
(Standing naked in front of the mirrors, trying to figure out which one makes me look thinner)
Home Depot Manager: “If you don’t leave now, I’m calling the police.”
There are only a few more shopping days left until your loved ones find out how little you understand them.
*clicks open my pocket watch with a glance before snapping it shut* as suspected I still cannot tell time
Scanned a customer in the eyes with a barcode reader for being rude to me….
…should have seen the look on his face, it was priceless
ME AT AGE 6: I am 6 and three-quarters as of tomorrow!
ME YESTERDAY: I am…I wanna say 32? Wait what year is it?
Mom can you come pick me up? My in-laws are being racist again
Me: hey babe I got you something!
Wife: [from other room] it better not be that $400 LEGO Harry Potter Hogwarts Castle I told you not to buy.
Me: [clicking in the last brick to the $399 LEGO Harry Potter Hogwarts Castle] no it’s something different.
*sees a hot christian girl*
Me: I am christian now,where do i get one of those plus signs?
Friend: That’s a cross.
Me: across from where?
[First day working in an optometrists]
Me: They’re called reading glasses but they don’t actually read. You still have to do that.
Optometrist: Can I see you in my office?
Me: *nudges customer* I would hope so lol
My neighbor killed the grass in my yard so now I have to go and be all Lawn Wick on his garden gnomes
Welcome to your 40s. You now have one random eyebrow hair that grows faster than the rest
My Therapist thinks i need a women in my life. But all the women i know thinks i need a therapist.
I don’t know who needs to see this but don’t ever answer your phone on your way home from work. They want you to stop at the store.
Ouija boards are officially obsolete, now that the dead can read messages addressed to them on Facebook.
UBER DRIVER: Where to
ME: One sec. Siri, where the best place to dispose of an uber driver’s body
SIRI: The bog
ME: nearest bog please