What kind of car did the electrician drive? A volts-wagon
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What rhymes with “hug me”?
Chutney.
*6, wailing, carrying on*
Me: You can be a dramatic little bi…llion stars, strung together, shining brightly.
9, to his sister: That’s not at all what Mom wanted to say.
Everyone on Instagram has pics of them at places all over the world & I’m like here’s another shot of me from a different angle on my sofa
When I sprayed my foot with tinactin my 6yo asked what it was for and I told him athletes foot then he said “but daddy you’re not an athlete” and I am so sad that he’ll never understand how sick the burn was that he delivered.
The neighbors saw me plow over three sprinkler heads trying to back out of the driveway, so now I need to move.
At my funeral, I’m stipulating in my will that after the eulogy is read the crowd can have 15 minutes for rebuttal, just to be fair.
A Riddler origin movie would be like 10 min long bc he’d only have to tell one riddle before getting beaten up and becoming a villain
Me: I have a paper cut.
Universe: Excellent. I will send you an unusually high number of encounters with citrus fruit.
[neil degrasse tyson voice] the film is called Home Alone but thats actually a misnomer. in fact, kevin was joined in his home by 2 burglars
[blind date]
HER: I’m a big dog person
ME {trying to impress her}: My middle name is Clifford
Date: I’m totally into the Dad bod.
Me: *exhales for 3 straight minutes* That’s a relief. I’ve been sucking in since I picked you up.
Maybe I should’ve learned to code instead of majoring in Bermuda Triangle Studies
Once a teacher said nobody was buying my cool guy act but he dropped his clipboard and there was a drawing of me in sunglasses on it.
Dating in your 30s is just two people telling each other stories about how they used to be fun.
I’m sorry I’m late, but my 2yo had to say goodbye to the muffins in the grocery store.
I reply to “Happy New Year” with “not if I have anything to do with it.”
a nightmare where I’m performing disney on ice – but I don’t know how to do it, so I panic and just fireman-carry my partner around the arena for the entire seven and a half minute song, serenaded by the boos of furious children
My husband asked me yesterday what I would do with my time if money was no object, and apparently “buy out a Target and sit on top of my hoard like a manic-depressive dragon” was an incorrect response so idk.
Her: I don’t even know what the cloning machine does
Me: Well that makes two of us
Just because I choose not to drink doesn’t automatically make me no fun. That is a separate choice, which I’ve also made.
The Scream movies were believable in the 90’s but c’mon, no one with any common sense answers unknown numbers on their phones anymore
WIFE: It’s always best to overdress on your 1st day of work
ME: Ok
[later]
ME: You wanted to see me?
BOSS: It’s about your suit of armor
If a person checks their watch while you’re talking, it’s probably because they’re timing you and this is a competition. Keep talking. It’s win-time baby. You got this.
I feel like HGTV is creating some false expectations for the attractiveness of the contractor you hire for home renovations.
as a job-stealing immigrant, I now have 36 jobs and counting. I keep them in my basement like some kind of job dragon. what u gonna do?
Elevator rides in real life: 30 seconds long
Elevator rides in movies: Two minutes long
[fumbling with my phone as I’m being murdered]
ME: *takes picture of my home screen*
Starting to suspect my wife was royalty in a previous life and I was her official food taster.
The chemical symbol for Seahorse is H₂Orse.
We need more people like this.