*gasps*
Ohhh sour Jesus.
You Might Also Like
“Ok, hear me out. What if we gave people enough for three fries?”
-guy who invented ketchup packets
Amy Winehouse’s final album was “recorded before her death.” Thanks for the clarification.
My girlfriend hates the music I listen to while I drive, but I’ve found the perfect loophole to keep my favorite songs on. You say, “Babe, this one really reminds me of you.”
realizing every shirt in the store is a crop top
Spoil any movie by telling ur friend “Ice Cube dies” before they watch it. They’ll be waiting for Ice Cube to appear and die the whole time
HO_SE BOAT
I’d like to solve the puzzle Pat, Horse Boat
7YO: Can you buy me a Ken so that Barbie can date him?
Me: Here just use this Captain America
4YO: (tearing into room) HE CAN’T DATE YOUR BARBIE HE’S BUSY GIVE HIM TO ME
The Joker furiously scrolling through Batman’s old tweets for anything problematic
I just saw a woman with a “Dog Mom” bumper sticker. And while the kid in the back seat wasn’t great looking, I still thought it was kinda harsh.
Who are you to tell me what to do? You’re not my bank account.
I thought pansexual was a type of pizza crust.
I’m always amazed at how eating 2lbs of chocolate can make you gain 47lbs.
ME: but I got to the buffet before anyone else
MANAGER: that’s not how the first responder discount works
Whenever there’s a bee trapped inside my house, I always open all the doors and windows so all the other bees can join it and it doesn’t die alone.
Me: I’m so sick and I can’t taste anything
Disgusting cough syrup: Wanna bet?
Me: how do I do taxes?
School: here’s a recorder
Me: what is a credit score?
School: just put it in your mouth and blow like this
Me: how do I choose the right healthcare plan?
School: HOT. CROSS. BUNS.
Facebook and Instagram are down so now I have to creep on my ex in person.
The opposite of a vegan is a Texan
Just ate so many carrots I can see through drywall.
[math class]
ME: today we’ll learn about [gestures to number on whiteboard] the tenths place
STUDENT: what’s the point?
ME: good question, what is the point of any of this? we’re all gonna die anyway
STUDENT: I mean in that number
ME: oh, that’s the decimal
Giraffes only sleep 2 hours a day.
If reincarnation is real, fingers crossed that I don’t come back as a giraffe.
lawyer: mr bond your ex-wife just needs to sign the divorce papers
wife: anyone have a pen?
james bond: here you go. make sure you click it 3 times.
w: thanks…why 3 times?
jb: its an old pen
w: its a bomb isnt it!?!
jb: *from outside* ₜₒₜₐₗₗᵧ ₙₒₜ ₐ ᵦₒₘᵦ
First rule of having a pet is to say everything twice. The second time in a sillier voice than the first.
Had to go to grocery store this morning. Out of habit, I put on lipstick. Had to take it off to put on my mask because the last thing I need is to look like the Joker on top everything else going wrong in this world.
Dude yapping nonstop at the gym just said he works out in the afternoons to avoid people who talk. Is it okay to fling a dumbbell at him?
If it wasn’t for the 140 character limit, I’d be on Chapter 27 of my first tweet right now.
My friend got fired and his boss emailed him to ask about some stuff. He responded by offering a daily consulting rate of 4x his previous salary. LOL
Netflix: are you still watching?
Me: yes
Hulu: still there?
Me: yes
Phone: ring ring
Me: no
Wearing Juicy couture sweatpants takes on entirely different meaning when you have IBS.
If you live in the same hemisphere that I do you’ve probably already heard me sneeze.