We’re out of duct tape, craft glue, and frozen orange juice because I made a sandwich while I was drunk last night.
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me: you said you were going to clean your room
5 year old: I said it, but I didn’t promise
me: yes you did. you said, “I promise”
5 year old: ok, I promised, but I didn’t mean it
Swim up bars combine my two favorite things. Drinking and peeing in hotel pools.
me: hey i noticed you always sit alone wanna find a seat together?
bus driver: can’t but thanks
Nasa is launching a satellite to say sorry to the aliens.
They’re calling it the Apollo G.
When I see a flash mob in public I immediately join in to make it seem like they didn’t practice enough.
me: I’m cold can I wear your hoodie
grim reaper: no
There are only 2 things Donald Trump fears: 1) The world discovers he’s been lying about being a billionaire, and 2) a strong wind.
Health status:
Moved on from WebMD and now watching House for any ideas.
Not only was my brother not mad when I backed into his Porsche, he even invited me camping and said to bring a shovel. Whew!
I say when we bury people we tie their shoes together. If there is a zombie apocalypse, at least it will be goddamn hilarious…
Interviewer: congrats you got the security guard job
Me: *already asleep on a folding chair*
Interviewer: hang on u don’t start til monday
for $8 a month i should never have to stop at a red light again
Having a tan is attractive. Having skin sponsored by Doritos isn’t.
Having a teenager is fun because the voice in my head that questions everything I do now has a friend
Interviewer: Why did you leave your last job?
Me: The company moved.
I: Where?
M: They didn’t tell me.
People said I was wasting my time playing Tetris, but here I am, loading the dishwasher like a beast.
sorry but I’m allergic to cauliflower, like deathly allergic, if I eat some my throat feels itchy then I kill everyone
Me: My world is suddenly reduced to a few hundred square feet of space.
Hamster: Poor baby.
My kids don’t drive me to drink. Can’t wait until they get their license and they can though.
Letting my son turn the pages when we read together so he’s more engaged with the story and also because sometimes he accidentally skips pages.
Me: I cut the grass, edged, cleaned up the leaves and took out the garbage.
Anyone else: Oh wow, great job!
My wife: Did you clean the grass off the mower?
I’m sorry but divorce stories aren’t specific enough. If I sat through 3 slideshows of your wedding shoes I want details. How long did he let that saucepan “soak”.
I bet Scooby wished he never got into that van of weirdos
If you wait until the last minute to do something it only takes a minute to do it.
A young guy at work asked me if I’m ready for Christmas.
I’m 52 yrs old Connor. I just turned down my radio so I can see better. I’m not even ready for today.
Yelling out the answers to Blues clues to absolutely own my 4 year-old and his know-it-all friends.
Asking people if they’ve started watching that show I recommended so they stop messaging me when I’m not in the mood to chat.
Nice empty fish tank
It’d be a shame if someone were to FILL IT WITH SNAKES!
*the terrarium is invented*
Saw a TV at the dumpster with a sign that said ‘free TV’ and boy do I feel stupid, I paid $200 for the last TV sitting at a dumpster