You hang Up.
“No you hang Up.”
No YOU hang Up.
“No YOU hang Up.”– couple fighting while hanging Pixar movie posters
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My kids have pulled out the NERF guns. What could possibly go wrong?
Internet dating? No thanks. I like the internet, but I don’t like like the internet.
Asked my son if he wanted to watch Netflix and he said he’d already seen it
The racist dove
Married a racist hen
And together they started
A coo clucks clan
Found an old, dead mosquito in a storage box. You guys want to try and make a Jurassic Park?
My mom used to say “stop crying or I’ll give you something to cry about” and I’d be like “I’ve already got something, but thanks”
putting a tray of fancy snacks on the roomba and pretending i have a small idiot butler
Bananas should have really loud wrappers, like hey, look at me, I’m eating fruit!
Candy should have soft wrappers like, shhhh, I’m a loser.
demon: [looking around inside me] dude no offence but it’s like kind of a nightmare in here
me: haha yeah
demon: how are all your thoughts in comic sans
When I’m in a bathroom stall, please don’t yell “Oh my God oh my God there’s a guy in here!” Respect my privacy.
When choosing a heart medicine, always pick the one that causes, “significantly less bleeding.”
Less bleeding is good for not being dead.
If you’ve ever planned anything with more than five people, then you know no conspiracy could possibly be real.
Want to know what I want with you? It starts with S, has an E in it and I want lots of it
Space.
soft pretzels only come 2 ways:
– no salt
– enough salt to line a highway before a snowstorm
A coworker is being a jerk to me because I microwaved some seafood in the break room so to get back at them I’m going to microwave some seafood in the break room.
Me: I need a “pick me up”
Guy working the crane:
doc: [looking at clipboard] no no this isn’t good at all
me: omg why god whyy
doc: i asked for goldenrod and this form is ivory
me: wait, i’m not dying?doc: whoa there, hold your horses
judge: how do you plead
me: no further questions your honor
Who else does this 🤦🏽😂
Michael Myers in his 60’s walking around killing people like he got no lower back pain
boss: can we talk?
me: sure
boss: people are afraid of you because you’re obsessed with the devil
me: okay, first of all his name is lucifer
Welcome to parenthood. You’re about to spend an irrational amount of time convincing a sleepy person to go to sleep
modern skincare be like “the best way to have good skin is to destroy the skin you already have. here put some acid on it, burn that shit right off”
Spotify keeps trying to automatically lower my volume. I’m jamming Fireboy’s album fgs, to hell with my eardrums!!!
Kids be like “Hey can you decorate outside my room for my birthday tomorrow like you did last year? But make it a surprise.”
[During quarantine]
Kidnapper: 25,000 by this Sunday if you want to see your kids again.
Me: how about 40,000 and you keep them til next weekend?
Me: Don’t talk to me until I’ve had my morning cup of coffee
Coworker: But you don’t drink coffee
Me: *stares at them until they leave
me: hey siri
siri: (long, deep sigh) what
Being a parent of multiple kids sometimes feels like being an unqualified judge in the most pointless trial you can imagine
[Teaching pet elephant to wash the car]
ok Stompy fill your nose with water and spray it
*elephant crushes car*
why did I name you Stompy