To air is humane, to forgave, divide.
Typo quota for the day.
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I asked my cousin why he eats the burger first and he’s like imagine I die whilst eating the chips
dreams are fun because I go to sleep a full-grown adult then spend 8 hours terrorized by my high school locker combination
Sam Skoronski
@SamSkoronski
Lovers of board games and card games are going to love my exciting new combo, cardboard games.
Twitter action film:
MAN 1: Follow me.
MAN 2: On Twitter?
MAN 1: No. Physically, follow me. Or you’ll be killed.
MAN 2: On Twitter?
My mom wanted me to go down to the store and get her a newspaper …. So I stopped churning butter and jumped on my horse and I rode off into the sunset to get one.
Human: [doing homework]
Dog: why aren’t you eating that
(At the Gym)
Manager: Sir…I’m sorry but you’re required to wear a mask at all times on the gym floor.
Me: *sweating, panting and reaching around my face
I think…I think I swallowed it.
The only times I go for a jog is when there’s a cute guy in front of me or a creepy guy behind me.
Christmas movie tip. If you watch Die Hard straight after Love Actually, Alan Rickman will be punished for what he did to Emma Thompson.
Been doing a lot of soul searching as of late and still have not found that darn thing.
Where’s Waldo?
*Leans in*
Buddy, the last person who came around here asking those kinds of questions can’t be found neither
Me: *stands on one leg*
My flamenco teacher: No.
Glade bathroom spray- because everyone loves the smell of someone crapping on a rose bush.
They invented the word metallic, because irony was already taken.
Batman: Introducing, the Robinmobile.
Robin: I’m so excited!
*curtain opens*
Robin: Bruce, that’s a car bed…
Batman: You’re welcome.
Saw an ad for a supplement that said it adds years on to your life. This life? Are we talking about the same one?
[my last day as a transplant surgeon]
Oh, my bad! I thought you said “kid knees.”
Whenever the weather guy on tv says morning sunshine, I always say “and good morning to you too sweetie!”
A jealous woman…can make the FBI look like mall security.
hackers play passwordle
I don’t care if you used to be the village bicycle…
All that matters is that you’re my bicycle now.
~inspirational tweet
My 8yo son spent 45 minutes perusing and closely inspecting the 31 flavors to finally decide on “chocolate.”
Reading in public is so embarrassing. How thirsty are you for knowledge, bro?
Today is Star Wars Day, which means we should all reflect on a simpler time in our lives, when Harrison Ford didn’t have an earring.
What do we want?
An Iphone for fat fingers!
When do we want it?
BOW!
I spent the entire summer before 6th grade obsessively playing world of warcraft and I felt so weird being like very clearly the only child in my guild so I pretended to be in my thirties with a boyfriend and everyone was so nice to me I ended up announcing my fake engagement.
By today’s standards the butts in Sir Mix-a-Lot’s video weren’t really that big.
He liked medium butts.
So he lied.
*regional mathematics tryouts*
Judge: what is 2+2?
Me: can you use it in a sentence?
I made this sign for a broken stepladder at work & honestly I think I need to make one for myself too
They didn’t ghost you. Their spouse found out.
*Reads about a Salmonella outbreak on lettuce
-NEVER eats Salad again!
*Reads about the dangers of Alcohol poisoning
-NEVER reads again!