My friend asked if I pee a little when I sneeze like I’m some sort of multitasker.
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[having daughter’s new boyfriend (who I think is a caveman) over for dinner]
so dave, how is work? *lights candle and watches his reaction*
I offered my nephew a donut and he said “no thanks, I’m not hungry rn” and I don’t think this little shit knows how donuts work.
Saw Satan was trending and was worried that he died…
Co-worker: I know I’m not everyone’s cup of tea…
Me: Yeah, you’re my glass of ipecac.
[catching breath at friends house]
I was being chased by a bike cop so I threw up a left turn signal but actually turned right and it worked
When some crows unintentionally come together to form a group, that’s called a manslaughter.
ok guys the gofundme I set up to hire a hitman to kill me is already at 3x its goal you can stop contributing
When a zoo animal dies they always call it “beloved” or a “crowd favorite” like there’s some animal named “Jimmy the zebra everyone hates”
When choosing a heart medicine, always pick the one that causes, “significantly less bleeding.”
Less bleeding is good for not being dead.
If I ever disappear and my family notices that my house is clean, they will know for sure I was murdered and someone had to clean up the crime scene.
you want me to sit in the back seat? the thing that killed JFK?
Wow, according to the New York Times, just kidding, I have no idea what’s going on.
[high school]
Parents: we’re so proud of you for not doing drugs
Me [literally does not even know where I could find an drug if I wanted one]: thank
normalize being naked at the laundromat so u can wash ALL ur clothes
Can’t. I’m cleaning my pantry or as I like to call it “Making my back hurt by pointlessly rearranging my food.”
Jon if Garfield is too fat maybe stop purchasing ingredients and cooking full lasagnas for him you realize that’s dinner for a human family
Toddler: *crying bc it isn’t her turn with the princess crown*
Me: Sweetie, you need to share
Husband: Just give her the crown, you’re 35
Husband: Well, for starters, she introduces me as her current husband.
Marriage counselor: …
Me: …
My husband just asked if I want to go hiking for our anniversary.
I think he’s planning on pushing me off a cliff.
“It’s summer! Yay! No more school shootings!” – American children.
Nice Confederate flag bro, way to commemorate coming in second place in a civil war.
A married woman hit on me today and it was the most uncomfortable and awkward moment I’ve ever had with my wife.
I was playing COD when me and this kid started arguing… then this kid started giggling, and said Wendy’s. Without thinking I said “Wendy’s?” I got hit with the loudest “Wendy’s balls hit your forehead bitch” Ive never left a lobby so fast in my life.
Whenever I get mad at my husband, I go unravel all of his extension cords.
Yelling “give me back my panties, you pervert” at joggers is a surprisingly effective way of encouraging them to run faster.
I’ll make sure my house is clean when you first come over to visit
But after that I don’t care because you’ve seen it clean once
OMG a turtle is coming to kill you, Walk for your life.
velma: this man has been dressing up as a ghost and haunting the amusement park at night
judge: look, that’s really weird but you were still trespassing on his property
How many tamagotchi funerals do you have to attend before you realize you may never be a grandparent 🤷🏻♀️
ME: someone stole my credit card number
BANK: why would they spend $187 at a hot dog stand?
ME: [hangs head in shame] that wasn’t them