“And… uh… chocolate kills dogs.” – God puts the finishing touches on life on earth.
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Guy threw a banana peel out the window into my lane 2day. Yrs of practice paid off and I arrived to work safely. Thank you Mario Kart.
Ain’t no sunshine when she’s gone, but there sure are a lot of unauthorized charges on the credit card.
They say being a hostage is difficult – but I could do that with my hands tied behind my back.
so who’s the alpha in your relationship ?
me:
taco:
me:
taco:
me: he’s shy.
If the Unabomber was so smart, why did he pick such a suspicious name
Hot-cross buns!
Hot-cross buns!
One a penny, two a penny,
Hot-cross buns!– I’ll have two then please.
*Day 9 of quarantine*
Him: My beard is really filling out!
Me: *rubbing my face* Mine too!
Him: …
Me: …
Him: …
Me: What?
My grandfather wanted to stay fit when he turned 60 so he decided to start running a mile a day. He’s 65 now and we don’t know where he is.
You can tell a lot about a person by eavesdropping in on their conversations in the bathroom.
Just ruined $387 worth of blinds in the house but that fly is dead.
I am no longer hungry. Nor is, I assume, the cicada I have just discovered crushed into the tread of my sneakers.
“Shit! Shit! Shit! Shit!” – When man discovered bears can climb trees as well
Day 27 without sports:
Hesitated for an inappropriately long moment before intervening in my kid’s living room brawl.
[plastic surgeon]
please my credit card it’s very sick
Do you think swordfish are down there just jousting each other with their face all day or what
Me: Goddamn this mac and cheese is crunchy
Wife: You’re supposed to cook it
I will flirt with you but honestly neither of us will have any idea it’s happening
pirate: walk the plank
someone’s dad: is this teak?
You can teach a man to lead a fish to water but you can’t make him drink a horse
*opens dating site account* prepare to be dated you pieces of shit
I’d get my mind out of the gutter, but I think it’s wrong to remove an animal from its natural habitat.
It’s only Ultimate Frisbee if someone dies
COP: Do you realize you were speeding back there?
ME: Can you be sure it wasn’t just the planet slowing down?
COP: I’m listening
Women’s magazines:
Page 5: accept yourself for who you are
Page 8: how to lose 10lbs in 1 week
Page 12: best cake recipe
Me: Wow, you’re glowing.
Her: Aaaaww, thank you!
Me: No, like radioactive…
Her: . . .
Me: Tone down the filters?
“I’m just gonna go”, she says, with her finger hovering over the red leave button
– my 5yo, two minutes into her first zoom class of the day
Me: How much for the doggy in the window
Store Employee: That’s Karen. She works here
*Toddler throws sock on floor and bursts into tears*
Me: Why are you crying?!
Toddler: Because someone took my sock
Me: No one took your sock!
Toddler: Then where is it?!
Me: It’s right there on the floor next to my sanity
(McDonald’s bathroom)
*pulls away from kissing*
You’re better than my mirror at home
I hate to brag but I’ve been the biggest mistake of numerous people’s lives.