Cop:” So you confess to striking the victim with I must say, rather impressive moves.”
Me: “Mr Miyagi is my Sensai.”
Cop:”It is still considered assault though.”
Me:”It was self-defense, Sir!”
Mr Miyagi: “Anna San, they were smacking their lips and slurping on their salad.”
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School email said if we shop at a certain store a potion will be donated, and that sounds way more exciting than money
Cats sleep 18 hours a day and only get up to murder.
I respect that.
Love a good morning stretch that turns into an involuntary pterodactyl screech
I have started going to a psychiatrist about my belief that I’m an owl and I haven’t looked back since.
Notes to self:
1. Open a rug store. Call it Carpet Diem.
2. That’s stupid; don’t do that.
3. Stop writing notes to yourself like a lunatic.
At this point the delivery guy is at my house so often he could babysit
not to get all political on here but i’m pretty sure strawberry and blueberry pop-tarts taste exactly the same.
[ field trip to the zoo ]
Teacher: what’s your favorite animal?
Debra: I like zebras!
Deborah: I like zeborahs!
At first I hated this, but my wife forced me to live with it a while, now I love it for some reason.
WORM 911: what’s ur emergency
FLATWORM: I CUT MYSELF BAD
WORM 911: u need medical help?
FLATWORM: wait, there’s 2 of me now. we’re good.
Damn, this hole is wet
*I say right after stepping into a puddle
Etsy is cool. One time I bought a ghost
🎶 I’m a joker
I’m Al Roker
I’m a forecast broker
Looks like Tuesday there’ll be sun 🎶
Quarantine Day 31: I joined a Facebook group where we all pretend to be ants in an ant colony
My family is playing Monopoly so no it won’t be a silent night
Do I look like Christopher Columbus? Am I guiding a ship to a new land? So, when I ask for directions, please don’t use words like “East.”
I’ve spent 8 hours cleaning my house!! Keep in mind that this is over a period of 25 years, but still.
It’s so weird being an introverted parent to an extroverted child because whenever I’m around town without her, strangers are like “hey, where’s Greta?” and I’m like you’re a random senior citizen in the coffee shop, how do you know my 4-year-old??
Watching all these killer whales attacking boats is giving me an orcasm. I’m sorry.
Sure she mainly used knife emojis but at least she replied to your text.
Sometimes I cross things off my to-do list that I haven’t done.
To remind myself that I control the list.
[over megaphone]
“Police! We have you astounded!”
“Jim, it’s ‘surrounded’.”
“No, I know but look at his face.”
Parts of a worm:
1) Worm
[lying with girlfriend & looking up at the stars]
“Hey–”
*points to shooting star*
“You’ve put on a lot of weight.”
my propensity for dark humor brings all the boys to the graveyard
If you see a “lost & found” box in the proctologist’s office keep walking.
Her: Do I look fat?
Him: Do I look stupid?…
Dear every guy that works out excessively, the sun is out! NOW is your moment! It was all worth it! Take that shirt off and walk around!!
Boss: “Do you know why I’ve called you into my office?”
Into My Office: “Because that’s my name?”
Boss: “Yes, that’s right.”
My doctor says I should try running with scissors.