Me: And this small habitat is home to over 90% of the world’s bacteria
*tourists taking photos*
Me: Any questions? Yes. You there
Son: If you get these people to leave I’ll clean my room
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[ first day in funeral home ]
me: *gently placing hand on widow’s lap* this is your husband’s it fell off
“Dad, I’m I want you to move back home rent free”
hi I want you to move back home rent free. I’m dad
“Ok thanks dad”
well shit
I ain’t afraid of no ghost, but I’m also not out here trying to start shit with them either.
Dear Britain,
This Brexit vote is all wrong
If you want to leave the EU, dump some tea in the harbor and fight a war.
Sincerely,
America
#SexEdWontTeachYou how to deal with idiots…
*barber hands me the mirror to check the back*
“Looks good!” I lie, after a few seconds of being unable to get the mirror to angle properly
Me: I hate drama.
Also me: Reads all 258 comments on a heated Facebook post thread that is 100 percent not my business.
Personal trainer: How’s your diet been going?
Me: Absolutely amazing
Personal trainer: May I ask what you’ve been eating?
Me: You may not
This whole time I thought Ariana Grande was a font
Friend: *texting* come out tonight
Me: *three days later* who’s gonna be there
you can be anything when you grow up. For instance i am very tired
What are you talking about? My wife hates when I make her laugh. She said what attracted her to me was my complete lack of humor and total inability to have fun.
wife: have you seen the dog bowl?
me: *imagining it* no but I want to
Papa john’s: order a pizza!
Mama john’s: we have pizza at home
Cardio Made Easy
Wife – You ate all of the Reeses eggs?
Me – You left them out in the open on the top shelf under the shirts in the back of the closet.
I just read an article about a man swept out to sea during a baptism. I guess that’s God’s Way of saying “Nope”.
i’m kinda confused by all the hbo max tweets. i thought we agreed to be poor together
Just told a customer who’s off to the theatre tonight that I’m off to Wicked tomorrow!! She said “it’s not here in Manchester, I’d know if it was”
Thought “alright musical theatre queen”
Turns out my tickets are for the 2nd of January 2025 🙂 x
Executive Vice President of Coca-Cola: “we refresh the world.” So modest. We all know it’s more than that. It also removes rust from chrome bumpers.
[chiropractor]
Dr., your client Tony is here
-Tony? The guy whose skin is made of bubble wrap
Yes
-Oh hell yes clear the rest of my schedule
How am I today? Well it’s officially day four of me arguing in my mind with a person who took my spot in line for party balloons
Essential viewing in these troubled times.
*loses faith in humanity*
“this is the type of problem that can only be solved by 13 photos of unlikely animal friendships”
To make sure I don’t cheat, my wife got me into cryptocurrency and that’s all I want to talk about with women now.
It is important not to say “be careful” to a toddler as they will interpret it as a challenge and things won’t end well
Huh… I wonder if I should tell my friend that his back tattoo doesn’t say what he thinks it says.
WHO SAID “YOU GOTTA KEEP EM SEPARATED”
A) Gov. George Wallace
B) The Offspring
C) My mom teaching me to do laundry
D) All of the above
Fool me once, shame on you.
Fool me twice, shame on me.
Fool me 53 times a day, you’re an Instagram filter.
they smoked a joint and
overthrew the government.
now that’s a high coup