“It’s gonna taste really good.” – excerpt from the guide What To Expect When You’re Expecting Pizza
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Did you know stuffing your bra with toilet paper works pretty well…
except when it rains.
My husband just asked me “what are you eating now?” He’s officially declared war
Establish dominance with your psychiatrist by taking notes on his note taking.
It appears my neighbor’s plastic flamingo was hit by a car. What’s the etiquette? Card? Fruit & nut basket?
Naming a dog after alcohol is cute until they run away and you scream their name until your neighbor brings you a bottle to shut you up.
ME: [unbuttoning shirt] There’s only one way to settle this. Dance off!
CUSTODY ATTORNEY: No
There’s a girl that I hate in my office that’s white but looks like ‘Precious’. I’ve been calling her “Pressure” & blaming my farts on her.
You all think your dad’s cargo shorts are lame until you need to smuggle some Reese’s Pieces into the movie theater.
We got two inches of snow last night and now I can’t find my Smart Car.
Every single cat would kill you if it was big enough. Think about THAT when you are deciding between name brand cat food and the generic.
3yo: I don’t want a walk
Me: Come on, it’ll be fun braving the elements
[An hour later]
3yo: *Very disappointed* Where are the elephants?
“Don’t tread on me.”
– out-of-order sign on a treadmill
There aren’t any 50% off Fourth of July candy sales today, but surely there are some fingers half off.
I took the liberty of rearranging my husband’s office this week. The tears streaming down his face are all the thanks I need.
I like to use the formal version of people’s names.
So like, if your name is Terry, I’ll call you Terrence. Larry, Lawrence. Barry, Barrence. Bobby, Bobbence. I don’t know any girls.
I wanted to go out tonight, but the avocado I bought last week will finally be ripe enough to eat between 9pm – 9.15pm so I can’t.
if you jumped out of a plane would you rather have a parachute or the knowledge of how to make a parachute? most people would say parachute. and that’s why most people never start a successful business
when someone’s guiding me into a parking spot:
Me: (watching MST3K) What do you mean you don’t like it?! If you were trapped in deep space with just two robot friends, what would YOU do?
Her: That’s not important.
Vegan pizza…. is basically
just the box.
Me: It’s unrealistic that the Angels blindly trusted Charlie’s voice coming through a speaker, amirite?
Siri: I’m not sure I understand
I’ve been married for about 45 lbs.
Imagine you discovered the ability to time travel.
You go 30 years into the future expecting to meet your future self only to discover that you’ve been missing for 30 years.
When the audio cuts out at the end of a newscast and the anchors start chit-chatting I like to pretend it’s about my surprise party.
1% battery…..
Because I like to live on the
you’re opening a chip bag and it goes great except for a tiny tear and it seems fine but then the rip starts to get bigger and you’re worried you won’t be able to seal the bag and it keeps going and the entire bag is split open and it continues until the earth fully bifurcates
After checking my credit report, the realtor showed me a vast array of tents and fancy cardboard boxes in the woods.
Him: your so funny, smart & beautiful how are you still single
Me: *you’re
My neighbor once dropped off a bag of lemons and a bottle of vodka on my doorstep in the middle of the night, with no explanation.
I think about this often.
I tried that whole “if you love something, set it free” thing but my kids are still here.