ME: Take care of my cat while I’m away?
HITMAN: [screwing on silencer] No problem.
You Might Also Like
[blind date]
HER: I’d really like to have sextuplets
ME: Oh wow, me too!
HER: Really?
ME: Yeah, but why did you call me “tuplets”?
Divorce… The most common home improvement project.
*drops exactly one thinly-sliced piece of ham in each child’s Halloween bag*
I love jerk chicken but my real favorites are a-hole beef and doesn’t return the shopping cart pork
As a kid I wanted a Jetsons like future, but now I get emails from my vacuum cleaner so be careful what you wish for.
[sideline]
QUARTERBACK: I think we should run it. How about you?
COACH: Hmm…pass[huddle]
CENTER: Well?
QUARTERBACK: He refused to answer
Stranger: Where did you get peanut butter scented sunscreen?
Me: Sunscreen?
[1st day as an animal researcher]
*tagging a bear*
Me: you’re it
Someone once told me “If you love something, set it free”. I told them not to mind about those noises coming from the basement.
I don’t know why I would ever look to Google for reassurance when it keeps me well-fed with headlines like, “The No. 1 Sign There’s a Snake in Your Car”
When clowns first attacked these shores nobody took it seriously. It’s just one boat, how many could there be, they said.
BARBER: *finishes cutting my hair*
ME: perfect, thanks
BARBER: *holds mirror up to the back of my head*
VOLDEMORT: yep, that’s great
My kid has been walking around with an uneaten chocolate bar in her backpack for five weeks, if she doesn’t eat it soon I’m going to have to ground her for making poor life choices
Marriage counsellor: What’s the problem?
Wife: He is so literal. It drives me mad.
MC: And how do you feel, Stephen?
Me: With my hands.
I got fired from my job as a taxidermist for rolling my eyes.
The seven new planets cause havoc with your readings. There is nothing but chaos and pain and, for some reason, hot singles in your area.
Spend a few hours without your phone and you’ll realise what the important thing in your life is.
It’s your phone.
“how’d your football team football today?”
those footballers footballed quite well…really good footballin’
My daughter, a hair stylist, has a tiny pair of scissors tattooed behind her ear with tiny red teardrops for clients she accidently stabbed.
hardest part of beekeeping is thinking of all the names
We talk a big game for a species that has a favourite cup
My dog’s dinner: premium organic grain-free no salt or sugar GM free 80% meat 20% veg
My dinner: Haribo
PATIENT: i just feel like something is missing from my life
THERAPIST: [is a cat] have you tried biting plastic
*talking to a baby*
Me: Can you say ‘dog’
Baby: *patronizingly* Can you say ‘Worcestershire’
when my daughter asks me how much more dinner she needs to eat to get dessert i like to answer in abstract quantities like ‘the average weight of joy’ or ‘seven sunsets’ to teach her that life often doesn’t make sense and also quit sassing me and eat your peas, kid.
Kinda miss the Jane Austen era where a man is driven mad by a woman’s hand being ungloved & yet oblivious to her heaving bosom falling out.
Little kid *stubbing toe*: Gosh dang it!
[heaven]
Gosh: Why is it only kids get my name right?
Jeez Louise: Tell me about it.
I really hate working late. My ride turns into a pumpkin and I always end up losing a shoe.
remember if you’re not helping cook be sure to ask (in a half hearted fashion) if they need any assistance and leave the room before they answer
My 4yo thinks you age a whole year in one night, so she’s scrutinizing me closely for any changes today. I’m tempted to put on a bald cap or blacken out some teeth.