Establish dominance by saying “I thought you’d say that” in response to everything anyone says to you.
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Black Friday through the years:
2005: 5am
2010: 3am
2012: 12am
2013: Thursday 8pm
2014: Thursday
2020: 4th of July
I want to travel like a stolen kidney, handled carefully and packed gently in ice
Fellas, you can pretty much get away with anything while our nails are wet.
I’m not your GameBoy, quit pushing my buttons
Having a crush on someone sucks. If I wanted to gamble with my emotions, I would simply go to a convenience store, fill a slushie with 5 random flavors & let the lord decide whether it was delicious or not.
[ date ]
her: i have a PhD
zombie: *jaw falls off*
[first day in prison]
“I need to speak to management. There is no way I can use this generic bar soap on my face.”
So we’re overreacting today? Alright then …
I want to be gangsta but my grandma said no
The beauty industry:
For men: This can be used as a shampoo, body wash, face wash, lotion, mouth wash, tooth paste, engine degreaser, spackle, or sunscreen
For women: We’ve specially formulated this moisturizer for your left elbow
hey there delilah, oh shit no i meant vicky
babe i promise you’re the only one
no this is not a hickey
♪it’s just a bruuuise ♪
saw a garbage truck with the tagline “our business stinks, but it’s picking up!” pretty good imo.
My wife’s favorite position is the one where I lie very still wearing nothing but a toe tag and she starts dating again.
On bad days I like to take a pregnancy test to remind myself that things could be much worse.
“Are you making the aquarium pets fight again?”
“NO,” I exclaim, quickly putting Octopus Prime and MegaPrawn back into the tank.
One of my coworkers didn’t show up to work this morning so I had to wait on half the restaurant by myself for brunch and I said he better be in jail and it turned out he was in jail
Stuffed animals are strange like an actual tiger will tear you to pieces but here ya go kid, sweet dreams.
Hamburger Helper only works if the hamburger is ready to accept that it needs help.
FACT: if a cop says FREEZE and then you say “now everybody clap yo hands” he has to drop his gun and clap and then you can get away.
Seeing all the praise for Conan it’s time I told my own special Conan story. Years ago I first saw Conan. He was funny and I liked him. Then he kept being funny and I was like hell yeah I really like him. Later I found out it wasn’t just me, Conan did this with many other people.
my proudest tweet
Natty or not?
Are there a lot of first-person singular objective pronouns, or is it just me?
[Me, in sign language, next to volcano]
The Earth soup is not for eating
BRB YOU GUYS, I GOTTA DO THIS FACEBOOK QUIZ TO FIND OUT WHAT BREED OF CAT I AM
Wife: I left the kids with you for a half hour & they dumped 3 pounds of sugar in the dryer trying to make cotton candy.
Me: Did it work?
Replaced my shoelaces with ear buds and now they tie themselves.
Thinking about how dinosaurs ruled the world for nearly 180 million years and then out of nowhere some giant space rock was like okay it’s mammal time
This day in history. 1675. English king Charles II ordered that all coffee houses be closed because the populace was becoming alarmingly alert.
‘High five!’
*steals your snacks, runs away