I know a horrible idea when I see it.
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If you look up the word “not a virgin” in the dictionary, it’s a picture of me wearing a sick leather jacket.
*son wants to go to water park*
*bring him to water park*
*starts raining*
*he starts crying..because he’s getting wet*this is why I drink
Just watched Home Alone 4 with my kids. The writers should be sentenced to a semester of Physics 101 at a community college.
A dog catcher implies the existence of a cat dogcher.
Scientist discovers largest prime number to date, when it was provided to him by a Spectrum customer service rep as a “confirmation number.”
*first date*
Me: *in the bathroom texting my mom* Hey can you vacuum the food crumbs out of my racecar bed I think I’m gonna have sex tonight
[45 minutes after seeing someone fall down the stairs]
You OK?
If you’re wearing slippers in the car, the chances of your child needing you to run in somewhere increase by 500%.
Wife: [1st time watching Harry Potter] wait…if Harry was a baby, both Harry’s parents died & Voldemort disappeared; how does anyone know what happened at the house that night?
Me: [watching for the 751st time]
…well shit
I’ll take all that stuff you’re giving up for lent.
GOD: *flipping a coin* Heads! That means it’s the murder hornets.
ANGEL: *sighs* Fine
GOD: Don’t worry, I’ll release the torture squirrels next month
DOCTOR: The tests have come back, and it’s bad news.
ME: What is it, doc?
DOCTOR: I’m afraid you have loopus.
ME: Oh no! Is there a treatment?
DOCTOR: The tests have come back, and it’s bad news.
ME: What is it, doc?
You’re an open book?
“Throws you into a bonfire.”
[meeting a girl at the bar]
ME (nervously cracking every knuckle): hi I’m brandon
GIRL: please let go of my hands
my son just told me that i have a “fixed mindset” and he has a “growth mindset” so he’s banned from youtube until i can figure out what is going on
“Are you a secret shopper? You have to admit it if I ask. It’s the law.”
“That’s only for narcs.”
“That sounds like something a secret shopper would say…”
I’m sorry for all the traffic today in Los Angeles. I went outside in tiny shorts
Me reading cooking instructions off the bag I just threw out
One of my husband’s friends added me on Snapchat and I thought it was weird so I started a group chat for the three of us. 😂😇
I use the phrase “when I win the lottery” a lot for someone who never buys any lottery tickets.
WIFE: *reading news* A body was found outside the bakery but they can’t identify it.
ME: A John Dough
HER: Get out!
Meanwhile at the Maternity Ward…
So the six-year-old has permanently moved in to her new place, under the kitchen table.
Asked my 10yo where she was going to hide her candy so her sister couldn’t find it, and she said “my mouth” and rolled her eyes because ask a stupid question.
Wife: how’s potty training been today?
Me: he peed twice!
Wife: that’s great!
Me: *covered in piss* no, it’s not.
Dear parents,
Just because your kid is smiling at their phone doesn’t mean that they have a boyfriend or girlfriend. But it could mean that they just downloaded a demon from an occult website. Talk to your kids about the dangers of summoning demons through their phones.
My life advice is always the same. Wait for karma, but take up kickboxing, just in case.
me: oh god, look what the cat dragged in
wife: is it a bird?
me: yeah
mangled superman:
My husband is going out of town for a week and I have some hot plans to get intimate with my *lover
*air fryer
WOW! SNOWING EVERYWHE…. it stopped.
OMG IT’S STARTING AGAIN AND… nvrmind.
HERE IT IS AGAIN, WEEE…its gone.– Snow globe, the story.