interviewer: questions about the job?
me: how can I get suspended with pay
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I have to pick my dad up from work tonight, how the turntables. I wonder what embarrassing things I can do when I pull up to his place of business
This year my wife and I decided to make each other handmade gifts for Christmas. She knitted me a hat and I made her a grilled cheese sandwich.
Fatherhood is a privilege, an honour and something I am grateful for every day. Being a dad is not just about telling lame jokes. It’s about threatening homelessness if they’re not laughed at.
Why let people drive you crazy when you know it’s in walking distance?
a fat bumblebee keeps bumping into the window trying to get inside and ignores me explaining that outside with the sun and fresh air and flowers is where he wants to be so I’m holding my laptop up to the glass to show him I’m doing my taxes and convince him this is the bad place
Comedians should be funny (agree with my politics) instead of being political (not agreeing with my politics)
this is the best day of my life
I’m sorry that during sex I yelled, “Sriracha!!” but you said to say something hot.
Want to stop getting invited to parties? Be a nonchalant double dipper.
It’s that simple.
Southern women don’t outright fight. We passive aggressively drive one another into the ground with compliments and trying to make the better fried chicken.
“moon all gone! moon all gone!” is my toddler’s terrifying new way of saying good morning
We do this thing at my house where somebody puts an empty pizza box on top of the trash can and then someone else puts trash on top of that and then another person puts trash on top of that and suddenly we’re all playing jenga in reverse
My swear jar has more money in it than my bank account
Police say a man was found lying dead on his couch and wrapped in a blanket. Apparently there were signs of a snuggle.
*throws $100 bill into a wishing well* I wish I was good with money
[God Creating Dads]
God: Ah, yes. Think I’m done
Dads: Hi Done, we’re Dads!
God:
Dads:
God: *creates the adjustable thermostat*
Cooking is easy if you’re single as long as you have a mom, leftovers and a microwave.
Dear Tech Support,
I twied to puth my tongue in tha USthB port again. Canth you helpf?
Away on business, sitting at the hotel bar a hot lady walks over and whispers in my ear, it’s 500 for the night.
*Whispering back. How much for the whole chess set?
PRIEST: Does anyone know why these two should not be married?
ME: *from back* SHE PRONOUNCES IT ‘SUPPOSABLY’
*priest slowly backs away*
Charlie: I can’t believe you’re giving me the whole chocolate factory
Wonka: Yup, all of it. Starting with these four law suits
me sober: i’m very shy and don’t like talking to people
me drunk: umm ok? these are my friends sue and dave, an older couple from england who are visiting nyc and don’t like hot dogs but are otherwise delightful
I like to take an empty Krispy Kreme donut box to work and sit in the break room and watch all of the disappointed faces
If I were a waitress, I’d be planting fake engagement rings in every girl’s food, just to see their boyfriends panic.
Horton Hears a who?
Horton Hears a what?
Horton Hears a huh?
Horton hears a chicka chikca chicka chicka slim shady.
If we just refer to ISIS as “Nickelback” maybe nobody will want to join them
I blocked her number when we broke up. But I never stopped waiting for her message ever..!
Her: Did you see that science has developed bed sheets you never have to wash?
Me: Huh. I thought I already owned them.
Santa Claus & his elves wouldn’t be able to wrap the gifts needed for all the children in the world quickly enough unless they had more limbs. Therefore, the logical conclusion is that they are all octopuses & the “North Pole” is actually the lost city of Atlantis. In this essay,
I just found out that they made an entire movie based on my favorite Will Smith song “Men in Black.”