Me: *delivers fantastic presentation*
Fish Boss: great work!
Me: thanks for letting MINNOW what you think!
Fish Boss: you’re fired.
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30 seconds left on the microwave
~ Women:
set table, pour drinks, tweet, talk on the phone~ Men:
do the space shuttle countdown
My family asked me what I wanted for Mother’s Day, so I packed their bags and changed the locks.
I like how Band-Aids come in 2 varieties: Stays on For a Second Before Falling Off or Needs WD-40 For Removal From Skin.
-So many red dots everywhere on the fields this morning, that I haven’t seen before, I wonder what..
-Oh, nooo! Alien invasion!
-..flower they were
please do not approach me unless i have an exclamation point above my head indicating i have a quest for you
My husband asked me why I never blink during sex, I told him there just isn’t enough time.
my favorite hobby is reading a book by a fireplace in a cabin in the woods. in other words, my favorite hobby is being threatening to trees
Me [to my friends]: No one ever invites Gary out because he always has some strange contraption.
*Gary pole vaults past us*
GROUND CONTROL: Major Tom how you doin’ up there?
MAJOR TOM: Floating in a most peculiar way. The stars look very different today…
GROUND CONTROL: *hits mute button* Again with this guy. *releases button* That’s great. How ’bout we run through some flight diagnostics?
me: hey how much for the dinosaur
guide: that’s a giraffe
me: how much
guide: the animals aren’t for sale
me: ok gimme two of these giant broccolis how much
guide: those are trees
me: [sighs] how much
Sorry, what did you say? I was staring at my ceiling fan wondering what I would do in a scenario where it fell and helicoptered around my house chasing me
My dad: Which highway did you take?
Me: The one Maps told me to. I dunno. I remember there was asphalt. Other cars and stuff
DJ: WAVE YOUR HANDS IN THE AIR LIKE YOU JUST DON’T CARE
*crowd nervously looks at each other
*meek yet courageous man steps up
M: No.
I gotta ask, what part of ‘I don’t eat sugar’ don’t I understand
Being cute just died. Men are going to want a woman that can catch a chicken now.
Please don’t forget what Christmas is really about.
Asking your 30 year old cousin when she’s going to start having babies.
My kid was asked to write about a favorite family vacation at school and she decided to write about the time she watched her favorite youtube family go to Hawaii.
Amazon prime in the future:
Your baby will be delivered between 1 and 4pm tomorrow
Your baby was left near the front door or porch <photo> How was your delivery?
My marriage counselor suggested that I forget about the past. So I forgot that I got married and now I’m happy.
That guy is a genius.
if Taylor watched me at work I’d probably do really well too idk
When people say NYC apartments are cozy, we mean there’s no room for a freezer to hide a body
You ever walk behind someone and you haven’t seen their face yet but you just KNOW they have a mustache
My thoughts are as pure as snow… after the trucks have driven hard and plowed through it.
What sucks about those little hotel shampoo bottles is there’s no room for the directions so you kind of have to wing it.
Me: What are you doing sweet girl
4yo: Making my dolls eat brains.Help.
When I see a piece of gum in the urinal, I think of how painful that piss must’ve been for that guy.
HER: I’m a gun enthusiast
ME [trying to impress]: I’m sweating bullets
Satan [reading Chicken Soup for the Soul]: wtf this isn’t a cookbook
My 12yo threatened to defenestrate me and I told him he’s ‘maybe in so much trouble’ and to ‘hold it right there mister’ while I Googled. Like a boss.
If you made her sweat, sweat till she can’t sweat no more, perhaps you should have taken a water break. Dehydration is dangerous.