I’m not a 6. I’m two 3s in a trench coat.
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I planted all the evidence for evolution once it became clear it did not serve the best interest of My reputation to take credit for you.
What do I look for in a girl? Well she has to be hot. And well-rounded. And cheesy. Extra guac. Wait, wrong list, this is my Chipotle order.
I would travel a million miles to be with you for 30 minutes.
Unless I had to walk. Then it’s one block max.
[restaurant]
WAITER: And to drink?
ME: I’ll have a coke and a pepsi.
WAITER: Is pep…um…Is cok…ok…Is…I…what..
*waiter spontaneously combusts*
I’ve been cutting the chocolate milk with regular milk so it will go further and my kids have never noticed. I would’ve been a really good drug dealer.
Turns out indoor stone throwing is a mistake no matter what your house is made of.
Some think kids are selfish, but when 8 sees I’m carrying too much stuff at once, he comes over and gives me a lengthy explanation as to why Black Panther could beat Spider-Man.
Want some raisins?
No thanks.
Want some raisins covered in dark chocolate?
Dammit, I’m in.
I don’t need a pair of underwear, I just need one clean underwear.
The cool thing about having young kids is that they will straight up tell you which parent they love more without anyone even asking.
My mom, watching a scary movie: Be careful if you’re going in the backyard, I thought I saw someone walking around out there.
Me: What. Like a cat?
My mom: No, it was definitely bigger than that.
“Well, this is me,” I say climbing into a plant so that we’re no longer walking in the same direction after saying goodbye
Officer- I’m giving you a ticket for your speed
Me- That’s heroin
Officer-…
Me- Want some?
Officer-…
Me- Oooh, shiny handcuffs
PRO TIP: If a girl in a hot bikini DMs you about crypto, ignore him.
“Pay no attention to the man behind the curtain.”
– me, peeping at you in the shower
Some of you take selfies from so close up, I’m beginning to wonder if you’re a T-Rex.
me: grew the baby for 38 weeks, pushed the baby out of my body, spends 99% of my time with the baby
the baby all day long: DADA DADA DADA DADA
Our credit card was stolen but
I decided not to report it ….The thief is spending less
than my wife did.
Start replying with “In this economy!?” anytime anyone asks you to do anything. It’s legit.
Sharon I have some bad news
[planning for wedding]
i found us a remote location
“Omg where?”
*points to fanny pack stapled to wall above TV*
The remote goes there now
[giving eulogy for friend i let borrow my jacket] ill tell you what i miss most
“I can’t please everybody.”
“You’re not pleasing anybody.”
“So you agree with me.”
Every now and then I wear a button-down shirt just to remind myself how buttons work.
I just caught my cat licking a bar of soap and I can only assume she’s a weirdo or she’s punishing herself for swearing again.
going ballistic. anyone need anything?
I apologize for pinching your lips closed when you started telling me about your kids
doctor: you’re completely blind
me: what are you saying
doctor: april fools lol you’re actually deaf
me: what
doctor: oh right
Not now, kids.
Daddy’s pretending to be a woman on the Internet
[creation of bats]
God: stretch out that mouse