COMEDY= a skeleton playin his ribs like a xylophone
TRAGEDY= skeleton cant hear music bc he got bones for ears
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My husbands signature move is running to town “real quick” and coming home 5 hours later.
I forgot the word “vibrate” so I said I’d set my phone to purr.
*bursts out of stable on a chihuahua*
“Wait, if you’re here then that means”
*cut to a horse peeking it’s head out of Paris Hiltons purse*
This is a baby horse: it can walk 4 hours after it’s born
This is a baby human: don’t touch its head wrong or you’ll bonk its brain
[White House]
Any ideas on how to defeat ISIS?
*Biden excitedly raises hand*
Besides assembling the Avengers.
*Biden dejectedly lowers hand*
Parenting is a lot like a Tarantino film. Lot of questions and violent screaming.
7-year-old: What’s your favorite color?
Me: I don’t know.
7: I thought you went to college.
my 37yo husband: after 40 it’s all downhill
me: *just sitting there all 40*
Walking my 6yo out to the car and pointing at a patch of dead weeds in the yard he says, “Mom what happened to those plants?!” and I’m like “those were dead before I got here I did not kill them.”
[asteroid destroys earth]
God: *wakes up* hey I was WATCHING that
[halloween]
ME: nice costume. casanova?
HIM: guy fawkes
ME: {high-fiving} hell yeah he does
[puts baby in highchair]
Ohhh HIGH chair, I get it. That explains why all you do is eat, sleep & drool you stupid little stoner.
carpooler: what’d you think “beat the traffic” meant?
ryu from streetfighter: I don’t wanna talk about it
kitchen magnet
It was an unfortunate incident, but at least Doug learned he should never lick his light saber after using it to cut chocolate cake.
A single text to my mom is like pulling that loose thread on a sweater.
Why isn’t Cindy spelled Sindie? Whoever caid C makes an S cound was ctupid.
Child twister: “I can’t tear up that farmhouse, Dad”
Dad twister: “Come on son – we’re Kansas tornadoes, not Kan’tsas tornadoesn’ts”
I started a petition to ban people from collecting autographs.
So far I’ve got 5,000 signatures.
There’s no gangsta way to pull on a push door
whenever i watch the tv show Friends, i imagine im the seventh friend, Dirk, who just stays home while all his friends do stuff without him
“OPEN THE DOOR IT’S THE POLICE”
who is it?
“POLICE”
what is a police
*cops start whispering*
“how does he not know what a police is”
why is Charmin trying to get us comfortable with bears? HELLO THEY EAT PEOPLE
When you’ve simply given up.
accurate
People will smugly use shrove tuesday to say you can have pancakes any day of the year, and then get weird when I respond by holding mistletoe over their head.
I dumbed there ONE time and now this.
Skeletor: Nice ride
He-Man: Thanks
Skeletor: Prince Adam has a pet tiger too
He-Man: Yeah? Complete different guy though
Eat local. Your neighbor’s food.
Me: Let me shift gears for just a second
Bus driver: Go back to your seat!