Let me know when Duolingo makes a course in toddler
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When I get a little tipsy I like to go to a random neighbourhood, knock on the door and say, “Sarah Connor?”.
I’m always about 500 calories over the legal limit.
Sometimes all you need,
is 500 million dollars.
Sharks would be a lot less scary if they had ears.
I got drunk and went to an AAA meeting. It didn’t help. There were just a bunch of sober people talking about roadside maintenance.
Somebody better tell me what extortion means or I am going to start breaking kneecaps
“I don’t see things as half full or half empty. I try to be optimistic!”
-Me explaining to my husband why I ran out of gas.
There’s nothing horribler than a word that isn’t real.
Me: *quickly flips through each layer of a Big Mac like a wad of cash*
McDonald’s employee: [nervously assuring me] it’s all there I swear.
My favorite part of The Lion King is the part where Nicki Minaj held up baby Simba.
Stop burning bridges. They’re not even good kindling. Just use sticks.
If your cat is your “child,” I bet its “grandparents” are “sad”
I’ve got an adidas tracksuit just in case I gotta whack someone.
If a bear wears shoes and socks he still has bear feet.
Waiter: how would you like your steak cooked.
Me: like finding out the person you’re talking to in your DM’s is actually single.
Waiter: I’ll ask the chef if we can prepare it that rare.
Hot chick at the bar just said that she’s gonna do something stupid tonight…
…I informed her that I only had a 1.75 GPA in high school.
me: i’d like to go to this place
google maps: u walking? i bet ur walking
me: no i’m driv-
google maps: it’s gonna take u 5 hours hope ur wearing comfy shoes
Whoever said you can’t hurry love, never had kids knocking on the bedroom door.
I just watched Bug’s Life and cried the whole time I mowed the lawn.
Comment on your friend’s vacation group photos and ask which kid is their favorite. Then suggest which child you believe should be the favorite.
“Post Malone” is British for “mail my mortgage payment.”
You and your happiness can go straight to Walmart. Or whereever your “hell” is.
My pet toddler is scratching at the door again.
[Enters Building]
“Excuse…”
*Voice fades*
“… anyone…”
“… how to…”
“… out this…”
“… ving door?”
Me: ‘I need to lose some weight.’
Fries: ‘Let’s do it together.’
This is so funny you can’t even be mad LOL
trump: ban muslims
jeb bush: i disagree. just like dad would. who used to be president
ben carson: how did spongebob make fire underwater
“I’ve risen from the ashes many times” – Guy who gets drunk and falls into fireplaces.
I had no idea we were still brushing our teeth.
I don’t draw my eyebrows on because I can’t commit to one facial expression. What if I see a puppy? What if my house burns down?