Every so often I remember the gut-wrenching disappointment of 11th grade English when I read enough of The Great Gatsby to find out he was just some thirsty dork instead of a magician
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“To label you “divine” would be to capture but a fraction of your resplendence.
… and could you pleeeeease grab an Oreo while you’re up?”
I blocked her number when we broke up. But I never stopped waiting for her message ever..!
Yet again, autocorrect leads me ashtray.
“They say some of history’s greatest minds could function on very little sleep” I explain to squirrel as I water the car at 4am
Reached the age where my body is like, “oh yeah, forgot to tell you, we can’t eat cucumbers after 7 P.M. anymore.”
trying a new Pudding recipe:
– Milk
– Eggs
– Proof
– Butter
Interviewer: How are you with stress?
Me: We’re well acquainted.
[1st date]
waiter: can I bring you anything?
her: maybe some Worcestersh–
me: BESTERshire please! Nothing’s too good for–
her: and the check
It’s all fun in the sun until a swarm of mosquitoes is carrying your kid across the yard.
I never text and drive bc that would imply that I actually go places.
I played Dungeons and Dragons with my daughters.
They were supposed to fight the wolves surrounding a town.
Instead, they fed the wolves and turned them into their friendly wolf army.
Girls, man. They’ll take over the world.
COP: I need to see some ID
ME: [hands him ID]
COP: this isn’t yours
ME: you said “some”
COP: lol wow good point you’re free to go
HULK WANT LOAN
Bank: We can’t loan to people like you.
GREEN PEOPLE??
*flips table into moon*Bank: People owing 2.6B in property damage.
Just thinking up snappy comebacks to painful conversations I had 22 years ago. What are YOU doing?
One advantage of looking creepy is people tend to avoid conversations with you.
Two submissives sitting in a tree.
N O T H I N G
13: *walking into room*
Me: (on phone, talking about types of tomato plants) I like big boys. I’ve had good luck with them in the past.
13: *makes horrified face, turns, walks back out*
I never text people “good morning” first because I’m not a damn liar.
Word find for ghosts:
O o O o O o O o O o O
o O o O o O o O o O o
O o O o O o O o O o O
o O o O o O o O o O o
O o O o O o O o O o O
o O o O o O o O o O o
*wears camouflage to a family reunion*
I just declined a mandatory work meeting invite. I am drunk with power.
my friends when i can’t do basic math
When people tell me “You’re gonna regret that in the morning” I sleep in til noon, because I’m a problem Solver
Some vampires adopt common dog names so that people will accidentally call them inside.
I just really think bacon should be called “fry”con
My boss: did…you make this powerpoint on company time.
I woke up this morning next to a dead fly that I don’t know. I need to stop drinking.
*calls mom*
“Ma I made 3 friends on twitter today”
*long pause*
“Mom?”
*mom stares at 3 fake twitter accounts she made, fights tears*
“Mom?”
Sometimes I wonder what ever happened to people who asked me for directions.
Grabs intercom:
ANYONE WHO WOULD LIKE TO JOIN MY MILITIA, STAY HERE! WE ARE GOING TO OCCUPY THIS OLIVE GARDEN UNTIL I GET MORE BREADSTICKS
your quarterback name is your grandfather’s first name and the last thing you did mine’s Dom Paintwall. ok you go