Woman in Target said she just noticed the “e” and always thought it was called Clarence sale
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it’s not abuse if the substance likes it.
me: “youre serving Blue Curacao? so its a boy! congrats man!”
friend: “for the third time, this is not a gender reveal party and please stop drinking the Windex. i think it is causing permanent damage”
me: “so, have you picked any names yet?”
Burglars broke into Kanye West’s home. As a result, 500 statues of Kanye West are missing.
The hay in baby Jesus’s manger came from Christian Bales.
Kid: “Mom, there’s a dead possum in the yard.”
Me: “Let’s take a look.” [pokes possum with stick]
Possum: [pops up]
Me: Aaaaaahhhhh! [faints]
Possum: [starts poking me with a stick]
SCIENTIST: I’ve written several books on how to cure cancer.
PUBLISHER: would you be willing to curate?
SCIENTIST: ideally, I’d like to cure them all.
do british taxpayers realise how much money goes down the drain because james bond won’t take the bus
70 percent of marriage after having kids is trying to keep the spark alive, even though that spark might want to sign a DNR.
Your password must contain a character still living in Game of Thrones
******
Password expired
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How to get me to like you:
Be pajamas.
It’s uncool to be religious. It’s uncool to be atheist. If someone asks what you believe in just say Beyoncé. It’s the only way to be safe.
Can’t. I’m busy taking this buzzfeed quiz to find out what kind of potato I am.
My life is a lot like taking a road trip with kids, but it’s just me pestering the universe with:
“Am I there yet?”
“I want snacks”
“WHEN WILL WE GET THERE?!?”
“I have to pee again”
My phone died, so I was forced to “print” a physical copy of my boarding pass, just like The Wright Brothers used to in the olden days
“HOW” – dyslexic owl
I’ve never made it longer than 7 hours into a diet before my inner fat girl ate her way out.
I’m going to freeze some of my sperm so that if something goes wrong later in life, I can kill my nemesis with a disgusting icicle.
Me: Don’t forget we’re wearing matching costumes for Halloween.
Husband: Great! What should we be?
Me: I meant me and the dog.
Husband: Of course you did.
I was at a job interview today when the manager handed me a laptop and said: I want you to try to sell this to me. So I put it under my arm, left the building and went home. Eventually he called me and said: Bring my laptop back now. I said: $200 and it’s yours.
Downhill is probably the only way I can honestly say I’ve rolled.
It’s faster just accepting that a fish learned to walk and then everything got weirder.
Oh, you’re with child? That’s cool. I’m with vodka.
*rubs belly*
At bedtime I read my daughter a few of my favorite RTs, tuck her in & whisper, “This is why we don’t talk to strangers on the internet.”
pretty sure no other member of my family knows we own a dishwasher
Sorry for levitating at the end of your bed all night, I just think you’re really cute
Not😆🤣
Adding “scroll for two hours” to my To-Do list, so I won’t do it.
My kid glued a jenga block to the wall like some kind of hunting trophy, and now I’m going to have to tell people it’s modern art because I can’t get it to come off
[frantically pressing buttons on spaceship control panel] WHICH ONE IS FOR POPCORN
“I found my charger!!”
– a love story