This boot was made for walking.
This other boot was made for finding dog poop, apparently.
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If I arrive wearing more than one hat it is because I could not decide & could not bear to leave one or more of them behind.
The ketchup bottle always teaches you new ways it can destroy your shirt.
Her: I’m a vegetarian but I love a cheeseburger once in a blue moon.
Me: Cool. I’m a good person except for the occasional knife attack.
Adulthood is equal parts ‘nobody can tell me what to do’ and ‘I wish someone would tell me what to do’
Accidentally bought a left-handed bottle of shampoo and now I have to shower facing the other direction.
Me, sophisticated:
*tastes wine* Mmm, is this a red?
I wouldn’t mind being catcalled if it were useful: “Hey baby, boot sale at Macy’s!” or, “Line’s shorter at Starbucks on 5th, sweet cheeks!”
Therapist: what’s your biggest issue with your husband?
Wife: he gives me no privacy
Me: [tapping on window from outside] that’s not true
School – “Here is an amazing photo of the kids outside enjoying a beautiful spring day!”
Every parent – It would be amazing if my kid weren’t picking their nose
Who are these people that buy unsalted butter on purpose?
The Grapes of Wrath 2: The Raisins of Revenge
[phone call]
murderer: I know where u live
me: it’s just til I get back on my feet
hate when you’re not sure if you shouted OH NO before or after you answered a call to someone you didn’t feel like speaking to
“How do you normally handle criticism about your sarcasm?”
Oh, suuuuuuper well, homie.
[first date]
Her: I love your scent, what is it?
Me: desperation.
If you’ve committed to pulling a door handle that says push in front of people you have to rip the handle off. You can’t let a door own you.
A: Black coffee, no cream please.
B: Sadly, we don’t offer cream, sir. May I suggest no milk instead?
It’s the weekend; time to get my nopes up.
My therapist says “being eaten by a bear” is not a “goal”.
You can’t run a country like a business. If you did, you’d have to pay profits to investors, meaning citizens. And that’s socialism! Bye!
*sees hot guy
*wiggles eyebrows
*licks lips
*winks, contact lens falls into coffee, sips coffee, gags on contact lens*mouths* “call me”
Kids be like “I owe you $5, would you like it all in quarters?”
Me: [bursts into wife’s meeting] BABE, IT HAPPENED!
Wife: Dave, I’m at wo-
Me: I paid for 6 [empties chicken nuggets on table] I got 7
Did it again.
Ticked the wrong box in an online survey and I’m now officially in the Sugababes
[1983]
FRIEND: Let’s play monsters! I’ll be a werewolf, and you lock me in the closet because it’s a full moon. Don’t let me out!
ME: Hahaha, cool!
[just now]
ME: OH SHIT BILLY
I feel it
Me working 60+ hrs a week: I have 15 minutes free, so I should do 5 things.
Me unemployed: I can’t take a shower in less than 8 hours.
Worst Excuses For Being Late
5) Too many dragons
4) Out of dragons
3) I’m not late, Steve is
2) Time is fake
1) Made a list of excuses
my dog when i have a friend over
I was an English major, which means I may or may not be able to get you out of a dangerous situation, but *patting your arm* at least I can write a 5-paragraph essay on the fatal flaw that led you to it.