I always take my kids on vacation during drug awareness week…because there’s just some things they should learn from their dad.
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The keys to a successful marriage include separate bank accounts, separate bathrooms, and separate Netflix profiles
Thank goodness my food comes pre-murdered. I don’t know if I could do that.
Why is it when you tell someone you had a dream about them they assume sex? Like no dude, I killed you
Me: This is a weird looking but comfortable toilet!
Masseuse: Sir that’s the hole to put your face in, I – OH DEAR GOD!!
I located my husband. He binge watched season 3 of Cobra Kai in one evening then left home to start his own dojo. Please respect my privacy at this time.
Star Wars spoiler: Ross and Rachel end up together in the end.
“New Year, New Me” gets easier every year cause I keep setting the bar lower and lower
Never thought I’d be THAT person, but here I am, 40 years old, wondering why the hell my neighbor’s kid has friends over OUTSIDE at 10 pm on a school night. And you better believe I looked up the noise regulations in our area.
I hate all this sex on the TV
I keep falling off.
Just been to see Benny from maintenance in hospital. He was putting up one of those boards that tell you have many days since the last accident and it fell on him.
As a fan of Dirty Dancing I can only hope that when we go on holiday one of my daughters sleeps with a middle aged dance instructor.
CBS Fall Line-Up:
Big Bang Theory
Young Sheldon
Old Sheldon
Ghost Sheldon
CSI Sheldon
Last Sheldon Standing
America’s Got Sheldons
[ interview at a 24 hour diner ]
boss: can you cook nights
a dragon: yes
Dog kids: ughhh, homework for dinner again?
Dog mom: I had to wait outside his bedroom for three hours for him to fall asleep so I could steal this, you ungrateful little shits.
*wife stares at me*
*I stare at her*
*she frowns*
*I smile*
“You didn’t notice my new-”
“NICE HAIRCUT AND GLASSES.”
“Dress.”
[giant alien cracking open the earth like a hard boiled egg]
ugh, overcooked
The seance was ruined when everyone realized that the only spirit speaking through me was vodka.
*gets off on a technicality
Technicality: Perv.
Maybe Van Gogh cut his ear off because someone traveled back in time and whispered a Drake song in it.
My wife just said that my favorite pair of jeans went upstate to live on a big, beautiful farm.
Sometimes you just need to dance naked in the kitchen. The manager at this Burger King seems to feel differently though.
keep scrolling I’ve got nothing.
me: you’re so wet and i’m going to go down on you right here in public
waterslide operator: i’m gonna need you to stop talking out loud
It must be awkward being a cyclops called Iain.
Thanks, I wrote the tweet. There’s no need to reiterate it back to me with quotation marks.
[How salad was created]
You know, it would taste better if there was more of us.
– Single piece of lettuce
My car’s GPS has learned to say “Your other left.”
“Enjoy this gift of a very normal large wooden horse”
A big shout out to my mother who can’t hear me otherwise.
Young mom: My baby is 34 months
Me: Oh really I’m 407 months yeah I hope you like doing math you piece of shit