Yea…sure! I was hoping someone would come and stand uncomfortably close to me today
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called in thicc to work this morning
Men’s 3-in-1 soap is for your hair, body, and car.
“Voop voop voop voop voop voop voop voop voop.”
-corduroys
What’s the most unhinged reply you’ve gotten on here because once I retweeted someone who said garbage dumps should have viewing windows for kids to watch and someone said that was dangerous because the kids might see discarded body parts serial killers threw away in the trash
If salons offered free wine with a wax, Twitter moms wouldn’t have any hair at all.
Would you rather get paid $1,000,000 right now or pay somebody $10 a day to wake you up by punching you in the face?
I’ll take Option B. It keeps you motivated to go out and EARN. That’s the hustler mentality
If they stop texting back you need to assume they’ve died and move on. If you see them out just smile because you ain’t afraid of no ghost
*seductively tries to take off sock with his other foot*
*at the vet*
me: my new cat won’t stop hissing
vet: ma’am this is a cockroach
me: oh crap. that pet store ripped me off
Hurricane. It’s fine.
Broken foot. Still fine.
Anemic, arthritic, slow walking dog who refuses to go in the backyard so must be walked through nature’s hissy fit. Totally fine.
Coffee maker not working. EXTREMELY NOT FINE.
Role playing in the bedroom was fun until my wife gave me a speeding ticket.
Is it smoky eye or were you wearing mascara and your eyes got itchy?
You can’t hurt me. You’re not a ‘closed’ sign on a pizzeria door.
If you don’t know the right way to bend your knees and lower yourself for exercise purposes then you don’t know squat.
Kid 1: Why’d u call me Aphrodite?
Me: After the Greek goddess of love
Kid 2: What about me?
Me: Well Alvin, ur named after a famous chipmunk
Me: You’re getting so tall!
Child: I don’t really like that because it means I’m getting older and when you’re older you’re closer to dying.
Me: …Oh.
Child: Sorry, I won’t talk about that. It might scare you.
Me:
Child: Because you’re already so old and close to dying.
BAND: How’s everyone doing tonight!!
[crowd goes nuts]
ME (standing in the middle, normal voice): Ok I guess. Kinda tired.
feeling cute. might rob a bank later.
I have no theories as to what the apocalypse will be like.
But I do know my kids will still be asking for snacks.
😅🤣😂
Why do people assume I know all about computers just because I’m from India? That makes so I angry I just want to 01010010101010101010101
People keep wishing January was over like the worst month of the year isn’t coming up next. Thats like wishing someone would stop arguing with you and just punch you in the face.
If I ever die in my sleep it won’t be in my bed. It’ll be in a meeting.
I am a man with convictions.
Mostly because I have a really terrible lawyer.
The top Little Caesars pizza competitor is Big Brutus.
Her: I love a tough guy
Me: I’ve got some scars
Her: Ooh. Show me one.
Me: [pulls up shirt and points to bellybutton] This is from when I was born
I’ve reached the age where people talk loudly and slowly to me.
me: how is your pancake, bud?
3yo, rubbing the pancake on his face: it’s soft
My immune system was built by my grandmas and aunts licking their thumbs to wipe food off my face.