are those your eyebrows, or did you headbutt a box of Sharpies
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What do you mean a good old fashioned ribbing has nothing to do with this rack of baby backs?
me, at burger king: before we begin this transaction i would like to introduce you to my hamburger advisor
cashier: okay, what would you like to order?
my hamburger advisor: {whispers to me before turning to the cashier} we would like to see the hamburger first
Being the tallest person at work, leads me to believe they hired me because they were short staffed.
My friend sent me an invitation to an “Interactive Murder Mystery Dinner” which is great because I’ve always wanted to decline one of those.
I accidentally caught my nuts in a barbed wire fence and now I’m the frontman of a Maroon 5 cover band.
*works from home*
*files claim for hostile work environment*
Me doing a heist: which one of us is gonna be British
It sucks that boomers got sports cars for their mid-life crisis but I’m probably just gonna start playing World of Warcraft again
Not to spoil the eclipse for y’all but Bella chooses Edward lol
The straw that broke the camel’s back was either an exceptionally large straw or that camel had some serious osteoporosis.
can’t wait for 65 million years after we’re extinct and whatever race is in charge makes human-shaped chicken nuggets
boba fett is short for robert fettuccine
1 in 3 Americans, weighs as much as the other 2…!!
You can still be mysterious after over sharing cause in that moment everyone is thinking “why would she say that”
I’ve just been wearing a towel for 5 days so everyone thinks I showered.
[Seeing your baby for the first time]
Don’t say she has a big head.
Don’t say she has a big head.Me: At least you don’t have to worry about her head getting caught between the crib slats.
*wakes up*
*frantically searches the bed for the donut I was eating in my dream*
Alexa! Wake me up if there is an emergency like the world‘s about to get normal
Apparently “cool story, bro” is not an acceptable substitute for “congratulations” when your friend calls and tells you she’s pregnant.
I am AWFUL at picking up if a woman is into me.
Even if one said, “I want to do you.” I’d respond, “What do you mean? Like an impression?”
Spring is the most depressing season because all the birds are getting laid and I’m not
Not to brag but my wife bought toothpaste because she thought it was almost empty and I squeezed out paste for two more months.
Me: *eating oatmeal in my underwear*
Her: that’s it. I’m leaving
Me: *drinking coffee in my shoe* wh… why?
Ke$ha in different currencies:
Ke£ha,
Ke€ha,
Ke¥ha.
Lucky she chose USD… British KePoundHa or Vietnamese KeDongHa might sound a bit odd
Me: I like that we wear our masks in bed.
Jennifer Aniston: How do you keep getting in here?
Brad Pitt: Let him stay.
I told my 8 year old son, “There’s something so special about you. Since you’re my last baby, you will always be mommy’s baby to me.”
To which he replied, “God I hope so. Aren’t you pushing 50?”
accidentally said “you too” when the waiter told me to enjoy my meal so he sat down with me and we had a very pleasant evening
[walking through the sistine chapel] damn, content creators were insane back in the day
8 out of 24 Americans cannot reduce a fraction.
I do not delete bad tweets that get no stars… I let them sit there and think about what they’ve done…