Me: you shouldn’t be working here, you’re a human being
Hooters waitress: look, it was my choi-
Me: seriously, where are the owl waiters
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I was in my closet and my 4YO walked in right past me, pulled out a box I had NO idea was in there, got out a lollipop and a dinosaur toy he fought his sister for yesterday, put the box back, and walked out.
I am equal parts impressed and terrified right now.
[dog bites my arm off]
owner: lol don’t worry he’s just playing
[baby throws up all over the couch]
Cmon dude, I let you live here for free
I’ve been eating this memory foam for weeks now and I can’t even remember why I’m still eating memory foam
I hired a nanny to watch my kids. Little did she know they were just two sacks of potatoes. When I got home I accused her of witchcraft.
telling all stories about twitter 2.0
#RIPTwitter #TwitterMigration #twitter2.0 #TwitterIsDead
You telling me these scissors are for rock paper?
I’m voting for whichever candidate agrees to lower the price of printer ink.
if you won an award for brushing your teeth the worst, would you receive a plaque plaque?
3:27 am is a fine time to walk around on someone’s back
– my cat
ME: “I don’t want to talk about it it’s too long of a story I’m exhausted and I’m over it”
ALSO ME ONE HOUR LATER: “Oh that’s not even the craziest part listen to this shit”
ME: *being attacked by a werewolf*
ALL OF TWITTER: We don’t deserve dogs.
The only difference between an outpatient mental health facility and a bar is the lighting.
[robber pulls gun]
ME: take my money but please don’t hurt me i’m an only child
MY DAD: [yelling from the car] he’s lying he has a brother
the plan to cancel student loan debt would be a slap in the face to those of us who learned to Walk Thru Walls and make disembodied noises every time the debt collector calls
Raising children takes a village, preferably one with many vineyards.
*nervously plays with tie*
“I’m sorry. I’m no good during job interviews.”
That’s ok, just let go of my tie and go on your side of the desk.
Lovely walk round Fitzrovia led me to a kindred spirit.
What happens when Christopher’s car breaks down?
Christopher Walken
Deodorant? No, I’ve never needed to buy any. People just give it to me, complete strangers sometimes
I’m “had to actually call a girl on the home phone to ask her out while hoping my mom didn’t pick up and start dialing” years old.
Float like a malevolent entity. Sting like a priest throwing holy water at you.
I should start carrying a pool noodle in my car and randomly smack cars when stuck in traffic
found a note in my phone of an idea that just says “birdwatcher with an anger problem” and now I’m wondering what the triggers would be. bird is too far? bird is the same bird every time and you only ever see 1 bird? i’ll keep thinking about it
If any of my neighbors end up being serial killers, I can tell you one thing for sure: When I’m interviewed by the local news, I’m not going to say, “He was so quiet and kept to himself. I never would’ve suspected him.” I’ll be like, “People are garbage, so I’m not surprised.”
Ariel was a minor and couldn’t sign a legally binding contract. You’d think the king of the ocean’s lawyers could get that shit thrown out.
I just got a paper cut from a 108 yr old book so I’m sitting here waiting to turn into a vampire
Torturer: I will break you
Me: Do you wear that hood to hide your sadness?
Torturer: *broken* ah hell man I just wanted to be a chef
Hey girl, do you like bad boys? *tries to look cool by flicking my cig, but it’s an e-cig so I have to run and get it*
I didn’t think a McDonald’s Happy Meal would fill me up, but it did…
OMG, I ATE THE TOY!