You Might Also Like
[Shipwreck diary]
Day 1: Luckily the ship has enough food for 3 months. Longer if I ration well.
Day 2: I am out of food.
Me: [being murdered]
Murderer: Ok you have got to stop smiling. It’s really starting to creep me out.
pros and cons of being the last person alive on earth, according to my 8 year old:
con: loneliness
pro: every dog on the planet now belongs to you
ME: I’ve brought you a house-warming present
ESKIMO: You idiot
I’m at my creepiest when I see a drunk chick crying outside of a bar and just think ‘bingo
Me: [pitching an idea for a comic book] Imagine a superhero whose parents are–get this–alive and well.
Exec: *under breath* whoa
Me: If the sun has a finite life can we really save the planet?
Wife: TAKE THE RECYCLING OUT!
I’m not saying I don’t miss my kids while I’m at work but it’s nice knowing with absolute certainty that for the eight hours I’m there no one will try to follow me into the bathroom.
If a Stork is responsible for bringing babies, what bird prevents them?
A Swallow.
Before kids: “I will make everything from scratch. We’ll be so healthy.”
After kids: “Someone bring me my binder of takeout menus.”
Tomi Lahren is pretty confident for a person whose first and last names are both misspelled
studying the Sphinx using Pharoahdynamics
Barber: Do you want to see the back?
Me: Sure
*2 minutes later*
Barber: So, this is the staff room.
Pigeons are the dandelions of the animal kingdom: unappreciated, plentiful, and when you give a bouquet of them to ur mom she won’t like it
rich people: i’m on a list?
lawyer: yes
rich people: forbes?
lawyer: no
Sometimes the last thing people hear before they’re murdered is the sound of their pen that they won’t stop clicking.
My Canadian 4yo just told me he wants to be Captain America if anyone wants to take a traitor off my hands.
Date: Why are you so nervous?
Me: I’ve never seen talking fruit before
I bet there are muppets that have thought about shanking Elmo.
[following girl off elevator] you cant hate snakes and then say u love dragons, because theyre actually extremely similar. in a lot of mytho
Jumped off the couch so fast when the microwave dinged that I’m now eligible for the draft.
“I call it orange soda cause it’s orange and soda”
-My 4yo inventing orange soda
9:30am meeting for my new job tomorrow and I really can’t believe people start work at the break of dawn like this.
I’m done with dating sites and am now only focusing on Chinese food delivery people. They have a job, a car, and most importantly Chinese food.
ME: this hotel is infested with squirrels!
GUY: get out of my son’s tree house
ME: fine, but I’m keeping the squirrels
[First Date]
Me: haha so yeah I just try to stay young at heartMy date, joking: lol isn’t that just another way of saying immature?
Me: *throwing spaghetti and Barbies at his head* NO IT DOESN’T SHUT UUUUUUUUUP
What if we made sidewalks into trampolines? Fun and springy to walk on, and if someone looks at you wrong you can always bounce them into tomorrow.
MY GIRLFRIEND: Did you see that?? Those fireworks made that skywriter hit that hot-air balloon!
ME: Oh my God! What kind of lunatic is responsible for this?? Oh hey, incidentally, will you marry me?
The moderator on this ‘brainstorming’ conference call emphasized that there were “no dumb ideas,” a claim soundly disproven within the first few minutes of the discussion.
It used to be that at least once a week you’d walk down the street and see a piano dropped on someone’s head from an apartment above and that person would pop out of the top with piano key teeth. this is what they’ve taken from us