Work said I was going to do a drug test today. So far I haven’t tested any drugs, but this weird guy asked me to urinate in a cup.
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Barbie didn’t give me a poor body image; Barbie taught me you can’t reattach a head once it’s been removed from the body.
“It’s Raining Men” is my favorite song about skydiving school.
YANKEE DOODLE: *sticks feather in his cap* This is called macaroni
YANKEE DOODLE’S FRIEND: Ok, cool. Listen man, everybody’s worried about u
Tweet faster, America, things still aren’t fixed!
You can tell a lot about a person by how many pet possums they have.
This bartender doesn’t know it yet, but she is probably going to make me 36 hours late for work tomorrow.
So my wife doesn’t like the new shampoo she bought. I’ll give you two guesses who’s gonna be smelling like cucumber melon for the next five weeks.
I JUST CANT LOOK ITS KILLING ME
Nana: I found you on twitter
Me: …
N: so you like the butt stuff
Me:…
N: me too
Me:…
Ninja turtle: we’re huge mutated turtles we need disguises
Splinter: ok here’s a strip of cloth with eye holes cut out
Lisa: morning David
Me: who said that?
Lisa [sighs]: sorry I didn’t text you back last night
Me: is that a ghost? Because Lisa is dead to me
Her: I’m done with you and everybody who looks like you.
Me: What did Wilford Brimley ever do to you?
When I can’t find my car keys, I’m grateful for the most helpful suggestions like “Where did you last leave them?” and “They’ll turn up”.
Me: I think I’m just scared of change.
Therapist: *flips a quarter*
Me: *screams*
That awkward moment when you try something on in a shop but you don’t know if you can get it off again.
someone please tell my husband that no one can hear him yelling driving tips at them from inside our car.
Him: Well, this has been a magical evening.
Me: *dragging goat carcass out of pentagram carved into floor* It really has been, thank you.
Don’t hate me cause I’m beautiful, hate me cause I stole your lunch out of the office fridge
Friend teaching me how to flirt: You have to lick your lips just a little, make it look sexy.
Me: Like this?
Friend: No, not like that
Me: How about now?
Friend: Please stop
Me:
*me trying new contouring makeup
Them: now just blend it…blend it
i hate when my friend starts dating an idiot and i have to be like how could you bring this man into our lives
My kids at 7am: What’s for breakfast? Can I play Xbox? What are we doing today? What’s blue plus blue make?
Me:
I hope the bomber suspect is made of green screen so we can all project our most feared skin color onto him.
I composed this tweet in a way that only the sexy can read it, so congratulations
wife: know what today is?
me: yep
wife: on 2
together: 1, 2
wife: Happy Anniver..
me: 3 MONTHS UNTIL..
wife:..sary
me:
wife:
me: ..Santa
“911, what’s the emergency?”
we were robbed. they stole the wireless router
“calm down”
also they shot my grandma or something. not sure
ME: *trying to fit in* I ALSO don’t fly.
PENGUINS: *shuffling about while trying to keep their distance*
ZOOKEEPER: Sir, get out of the pen.
I never thought geometry would be any use to me in the real world, but look at me now, one more game of beer pong to win back my house.
You know the person in exercise videos that’s doing the easy version of everything? I’m the guy behind that person eating chips.
A student today met with me virtually in her pajamas with a blanket and a hippopotamus crocheted hat on. I was so jealous.