April is alcohol awareness month…..I think we’re all aware.
Cheers!
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[meeting new people]
Them: so, tell me something fun about yourself
Me: *nervously* I don’t wear clown makeup usually
Most things in life aren’t free. HOWEVER if you run fast enough, they are.
For someone who said “Correct me if I’m wrong…” you seemed genuinely surprised and upset when I did.
whenever i see that someone somewhere has spent a bunch of time making or designing or building something i think about how crazy it is that they never thought to check in with me, the guy with no skills or expertise who spent 10 seconds looking at a tweet about it
Wife: How’d you do?
Me: I won $500 playing blackjack!
Wife: Good. The air conditioner stopped working.
My house: I ALWAYS WIN
My three kids are roughly the same age as Kate Middleton’s so I can say pretty confidently that she is hiding in the bathroom pretending to pee for a really long time.
[assembling baby’s cot]
Wife: take that bit off
Me [reluctantly removing the machine gun turret]: so anyone can just walk in here then
The secret to work life balance is generational wealth
Please stop calling it carpal tunnel syndrome. It sounds pathetic and weak . What I have is gamer stigmata
I only like surprises when I am not in a public toilet.
Whats O07s kink?
Bond-age.
Don’t interrupt me while I’m embarrassing myself
What if babies cry on airplanes because they are expecting to get eaten. “Here comes the airplane,” indeed
I used to race motorcycles. Man, those things are a lot faster than me.
In terms of spelling difficulty, I think the word “average” is between easy and hard.
When I dance people say it reminds them of a wild hog chasing it’s tail inside a jar of pickles.
I don’t always trust old people’s stories of the past. Recently an older gentlemen told me that he grew up as one of seven children. And it’s like…come on dude. Even back then there were more kids than that.
I am now referring to my parents as numbers like you guys refer to your kids.
72 & 70 are coming to visit, send wine.
Craving that feeling of immediate regret? Invite someone to your house. Works for me
My type is 12 pt Helvetica.
If two parents sit down to help their child with three math problems at 7:00 PM, what time will daddy be sleeping on the couch tonight?
Sometimes I’ll run into a friend’s husband and think to myself, “bro you have no idea how hard I’ve worked to help save your marriage.”
9yo: Mom, what did you do before you had kids?
Me: Slept in.
Me: At work, I’m always the smartest person in the room
Friend: You teach first grade
My 7y/o son walked in without eyebrows and I was just about to put him in timeout for shaving them off when I noticed tweezers in my dog’s crate and now I don’t know who to punish.
Someone please help me convince my boyfriend to hire people to paint the inside of his house instead of doing it ourselves we’re only 80% of the way through one room and I’m already thinking about how I can fake my own death and move to an island until it’s over
Him: I think we should
Me: crack open a beer?
H: do something this afternoon
M: drink beer?
H: something outside
M: beer in the sun?
H: I was thinking more of
M: wine?
H: ….
find these 10 emoji for no good reason
Every restaurant that opens around my town is like “come on by for amazing food, our hours are Wednesday to Thursday, 1pm-3pm, can’t wait to see you!”
If I opened an Italian restaurant, I’d describe my lasagne as ‘Just like mama used to make’ because my mum couldn’t cook and neither can I.